If That's What It Takes
by madeleine68
Summary: After "Ghost," Olivia will do whatever it takes to bring Alex home. A/O CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO IS UP! Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. That's life. Everything belongs to Dick Wolf.**

**This takes place after **_**Ghost **_**but before **_**Conviction**_**. These are the events potentially leading up to **_**Conviction **_**being possible, but it doesn't directly relate to **_**Conviction. **_**Sorry for my cryptic message, but I don't want to give the whole plot away. Enjoy! **

If I thought it was painful the first time I'd lost you, the second time was absolutely agonizing. I wanted to curl up and die, but I knew that if I did that, I'd never get you back. If it meant I had to suffer for days, weeks, months even, I would do it, if that's what it took to bring you home.

I'm never one to sit around and complain, though, and you know it. I'm one for action. And I will get you back if it's the last thing I do.

I've taken the next two weeks off, and I'm going to use them to do what I should have done to begin with. In two weeks, no matter what I have to do, you will be by my side. I will hold you in my arms and melt under the gentle assault of your soft lips on mine. You will be mine again, and I will be yours.

I promised I'd always protect you, baby, and I will. No matter what it takes, I will move heaven and earth to bring you back to me.

That's my vow to you.

**Review if you want chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for your reviews. Enjoy chapter two!**

I know where you are. I know I shouldn't be doing this, that it could lose me my badge, but I have to. God, I have to! You'd do the same if it was me, wouldn't you? I know you would.

I hired a private investigator and paid him a month's salary to find out where they sent you. It was worth it, Alex, so don't worry. He told me that you're in Burlington, Wisconsin, living at 312 Damascus Avenue. It cost me an arm and a leg, but he even found out that you work at a high school, as an English teacher. Imagine that!

I'm on a plane, getting closer to you every minute, and I can hardly contain my excitement. To occupy myself, I think of you. I think of your smiles and the way they lit up my world every time. I think of your bottomless blue eyes and those sexy black frames surrounding them. I think of the way it felt to run my hands through silky blonde tresses, the way it felt to curl my hands around your legs, your hips, your stomach. I think of the smoothness of your fair skin, without a single blemish. God, you're so beautiful that it hurts to look at you sometimes!

A voice comes over the intercom. "Landing in ten minutes," says our pilot, and a shiver of exhilaration courses through me. I'm so close to you now!

The ten minutes it takes for us to land seems like an eternity, but finally the plane touches down. I haven't brought any luggage; it would just slow me down. I have $300 in my purse and that's it. I know you'll chastise me for being as ill-equipped as usual, but this was too important a chance to pass up. The second I got the okay from Cragen, I hopped on the first plane from JFK to Burlington and here I am.

I all but run off the plane, trying not to walk too quickly, because I know it'll make me look like some sort of terrorist. But I'm so close to you, and suddenly I feel like I can't wait one more minute.

My heart skips a beat when it occurs to me: this must have been the airport you flown into two months ago. I'm walking where you walked, and I have to stop and take a deep breath as I take in my surroundings. But I'm not afraid, as you must have been. I'm exhilarated.

My poor baby. This must have been so overwhelming for you, without me. You must have been so sad, and filled to the core with terror. But I'm here, and I'm going to alleviate your pain, your fear. I promised I'd be there for you, through sadness and pain and fear and uncertainty, and I will be, always. I said you were my princess, and you are.

There are a few taxis at the airport gate and I hop in the back of one. When the driver asks me where I want to go, I say, "312 Damascus Avenue." And we're off.

It's only a fifteen minute ride, tops, but those fifteen minutes seem to stretch on forever. Finally we arrive, and I shove a twenty at the driver, too nervous to wait for change. Your house is nice enough, not particularly large, but well-kept. There's no car in the driveway, but it occurs to me that you might not have one, or at least, not yet. I race up your walkway and hesitate for just a moment, smoothing down my hair before ringing the doorbell.

But you don't answer, and I assume you're not home. My stomach sinking with disappointment, I sit on your stoop, and I wait. I imagine the look that will light up your face when you see me, and I smile at the thought. Oh, my baby, I'm going to be with you forever and ever, no matter what it takes! I will stay by your side every single minute, and if anyone dares to come between us, I will happily stand between you and a bullet, between you and a knife, between you and a drug lord. I will lay down my life for you, if that's what it takes. That's what love is, Alex. And I love you.

Finally, finally a car pulls into the driveway. A BMW, silver, just like the one you had in New York. Except in New York it didn't stand out, and here, I know it does. The windows are tinted and I can't see your face, but my stomach dances in anticipation, and still I wait for you. I'll always wait for you, baby. You know I will.

It all happens so, so slowly. It's almost like in the movies, when they play everything in slow motion, and I can see every slight movement of your face as it breaks into a smile and every single strand of silky blonde hair dancing with the wind. Every single bittersweet tear leaking from your eyes wrenches my heart, but as you run toward me, your hair flying in the wind, I start to cry too.

And then you're in my arms, and we're both crying, and I rest my cheek on the crown of your head, inhaling the intoxicating scent of your favorite vanilla shampoo. I pull you close to me and then stop, holding you at arm's length so I can kiss away your tears. I brush your hair back from your forehead and then lean toward you, crashing our lips together in a sea of passion, and I know that no matter what the repercussions, I've done the right thing.

Finally, you speak, eyes wide with wonder. "How did you find me?"

I kiss you again, partly because I want to, but also to distract. "It doesn't matter," I say between kisses, wrapping my arms around you and holding you tight, as if I can anchor myself to you, as if I can anchor you to me.

But then you push me away, folding your arms over your chest. "You could get us both killed, Liv!"

"It doesn't matter," I repeat. "I love you, baby, and being without you is killing me inside."

Your lips curl up into that smile I know so well. "I think you're being just a bit melodramatic."

But I'm not, and I think you know it. I knew you'd chew me out for doing something so foolish, but I had to, and I know you understand. "I'm not."

You clutch my hand tightly in your cool one. "Come on in. I'm guessing you didn't book a hotel."

I shrug, following you inside. "Why should I? I've got you."

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I know I haven't updated this story (or any of my stories really) in forever, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and this story seemed like a good place to start. Enjoy! Also, I'm not 100% sure where I want this to go, so any suggestions are welcome.**

You make me a cup of coffee and yourself a cup of tea, then curl up beside me on the couch. I pull you into my arms, needing to be close to you right now, and you don't seem to mind. "Come home with me," I whisper.

You twist around so you're looking right into my eyes. "Liv, I can't. I would if I could, but I don't want to put you in danger, and when you're with me, you are. Maybe in a year, things will be different, but now –"

"I don't care," I tell you, meaning every word. "I will do whatever it takes to protect you, baby. I will never leave your side again if that's what it takes, but I need you with me. I _need_ you, Alex."

"Oh, Liv," you say, a wistfulness in your eyes as you lean back against me. "If only it was that simple."

"I love you, Alex, and I'll do whatever I have to do to keep you safe. I'll follow you 24/7, and I'll shoot anyone who ever tries to hurt you in a second. I'll do whatever you need. Just please, please come home."

"Liv, I can't do that to you."

"You're _not_." I pause, then say with a hint of a smile, "I'm just as stubborn as you are."

"No, you're not."

"Wanna bet?"

The fire drains from your eyes. "I love you, too, Liv. More than anything. And that's why I can't let you do something that would put yourself in danger, just for me."

"Alex, whatever you need, I will do it. Just say the word, and I will. I would do anything for you, baby."

You wrap your arms around my stomach. "Let's not talk about this right now. I missed having you in my bed." You smile, a bit shyly, although we're really past that at this point. "I'm going to make you _scream_."

* * *

"God, I forgot how _good_ you were at this," I mumble, flopping down on the bed two hours later.

You grin, wrapping your arms around me. "No, you didn't."

"You're right, I didn't."

You smirk, then press a kiss to my forehead. "Mm. Love you, Liv."

"Love you, too, baby." I pause. "What's it like, here?"

"Let's not talk. I just want to hold you."

I pout. "But I wanted to hold _you_."

You laugh. "We can hold each other."

I know that within the hour, you'll be curled up against me, so I don't even argue the point.

* * *

I wake to find you thrashing in my arms, mumbling incoherently, clearly within the throes of a powerful nightmare. I already know what it's about – the night you got shot, but it's okay, and I want to make sure you know that. "I'm here, baby," I whisper, kissing your forehead. "You're safe. I've got you."

Your eyes fly open and you immediately snap out of it. "Sorry," you murmur, dropping your gaze. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Hey, it's okay. That's what I'm here for." I thread my fingers through your hair. "I didn't know –" Then I shut my mouth, knowing I'm making things worse. "I've got you," I promise. "I'm never going to let you go."

You sigh, and I know that to you, my words are empty; another promise I won't be able to keep. But this time I will.

"I'm okay," you say, ever the strong one, cuddling closer to me. "But Liv, I won't be if I come back to New York."

"Well, I'm not leaving without you," I say grimly. "So I guess I'd better get my stuff shipped from NY."

"You didn't bring _anything_?"

"No." I shrug. "That was more of an afterthought."

"What was your forethought?"

"I can't believe you even have to _ask_. It was you, of course."

You smile into the crook of my neck, resting your hand on my heart. "I thought of you every minute."

"Mm." I kiss your hair. "I thought of you every _second._"

You grin. "I thought of you every _nanosecond_."

I laugh. "You win."

"Don't I always?"

"Because I love you too much to fight you."

"I seriously doubt that." You smile slyly. "And our make-up sex was always incredible."

"Out of this world," I agree. We lay there in silence for a few moments before I say, "Alex?"

"Yes?"

I smile to myself. "You always say yes."

"Would you rather I say no?"

"I _meant_, you never say yeah. You always say yes."

You shrug. "I'm always grammatically correct, that's all. It comes from writing too many affidavits."

"So I'm told. Anyway, Alex." I pause, unsure how to say this. Finally, I just blurt it out. "Alex, I love you more than anything else in this entire world. My life is meaningless without you, and I promised that I would do whatever it took to keep you safe. I know I haven't made well on all of my promises in the past, but this is one I know I'll be able to keep if you just give me the chance."

You sigh. "No, Liv. I know you too well. You want someone to try to shoot me so you'll be justified in shooting _them_. You want to pick off Velez's guys one man at a time. I can't condone vigilante justice, sweetheart, no matter how much I want to."

I pull you closer to me and kiss your hair. You know me too well. "That's not it at all," I say, but my words are flat.

"Yes, it is."

"Okay, maybe, but if someone hurt me, wouldn't you want to kill them?"

"I'd _want _to, sure, but I wouldn't actually _do _it. The difference between you and me is that you would."

"I have means at my disposal. You don't."

"That's abusing the privilege. Do you think Cragen would let you carry your gun if he knew what you were thinking of doing?"

"I think he would let me do whatever it took to keep you safe. He cares about you, Alex, even if he doesn't always show it. We all love you."

"But you love me most of all."

"Of course. I'm here, aren't I? I'm in your bed and you're in my arms. And Alex, I really wish we could stay like this forever. Or at least, I wish I could hold you every night."

"I'd like that too," you say softly. "But I don't want to put you in danger."

"Alex, don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. On second thought, don't worry at all. I can take care of both of us."

"You _think _you can."

"I _know _I can."

"But Liv," you say sadly, sitting up so we're looking into each others' eyes. "You thought that before, too. I don't blame you for what happened, so don't blame yourself, but you were wrong."

"I know I failed you, baby," I concede, matching your quiet tone. "But please, let me redeem myself."

"You're asking me to put us both in danger, Liv. I can't do that. If something happened to you and it was my fault, it would kill me."

"Then maybe you'd understand how I feel every minute."

"Sweetheart, you shouldn't. It wasn't your fault. The last thing I saw before I passed out was your beautiful face, just inches from mine, trying so hard to bring me back. I know you tried."

"I know that, but you – you're my life, baby. It's killing me, slowly, but it hurts so much when you're not with me. Please, Alex, please come home."

"Liv, this isn't some kind of test your strength game. It isn't some sort of demented see who blinks first game either. This is our _lives_."

I gently stroke your hair. "I know, princess. I know. But we promised we'd be together forever. I want to be there for you, no matter what."

You sigh. "We were naïve."

"Alex, I meant it."

You seem to be considering for a moment. "Does Hammond know you're here?"

I shake my head.

"Does _anyone_?"

"No."

"You're interfering with a federal investigation, Liv."

"They're interfering with the course of true love."

You smile wanly. "I don't think it works that way."

"I do."

You tenderly caress my cheek. "Believe me, love, I would come home in a second if I could. I just don't think it's feasible right now."

"Alex, I need you!" I don't care how plaintive I sound right now and I'm not above begging. That's how much you mean to me.

You break, then. "I need you, too," you say, so quietly that it almost seems as if you're ashamed, for needing someone so much. My heart swells at that, because I know no one has ever loved you like I do, and you have never loved anyone like you love me.

"And there's nothing wrong with that," I say, taking your hands in mine and squeezing them slightly. "It's only Velez who wants to get in our way, and if he wants to keep us apart, he deserves whatever he gets."

"I don't want you to kill him, Olivia, and I know you will. I don't want you to use me as bait."

"Alex, you're bait anyway."

"Exactly. Which is why you have to leave, right now. They could be watching you. They could hurt you, too. Or me."

"I won't let that happen."

"Olivia, you're not listening to me. I won't let you become a killer for me, because you think it's what I want, or need, or because you think you're protecting me. That would destroy us both."

"Baby, I know. I know you. You're an ADA and you believe in the justice system – I get that. But some people don't deserve it. For you, Alex. For you."

"Call me an idealist, and I know I am, but this isn't right. You can't just go around killing anyone who tries to threaten me, even if you think it's what I need. I won't let you."

"But if I don't, you can't come home, and we can't be together. I don't – I can't go on without you, Alex. It may be selfish, but I just can't. I _love _you, more than I thought I could ever love a person. You are the most important person in my world. Yes, I would kill for you. Yes, I would die for you. Yes, I would do anything for you, no matter what it is."

"And I would do the same for you, Liv. You know I would, but we can't do this."

I sigh. "Then we have a bit of a conundrum, princess, because I'm not going home without you."

"Olivia, you can't stay."

"Alex, I can't go."

You exhale deeply and brush a few strands of hair back from my face. "You know, we don't need to talk about this right now. Let's just enjoy today while we have it and try not to worry." Your next words aren't meant for me, but I catch them anyway. "God knows they might be our last, and I won't waste a single second with you."

I hold you close, relishing your familiar weight in my arms and wondering how you always manage to sum up my own thoughts so perfectly.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews and I'm glad I still have people who like this story. I'm ready to get back to updating semi-regularly, so . . . the next update will come once I have five reviews. :p Because I'm evil like that.**

I fall asleep again, and I wake up to find my arms empty. You're gone.

I sit up and try to calm my racing heart before getting up and padding toward the living area. "Alex? Baby, where are you?"

I can't even begin to express the relief that floods through me when you call back, "Here, Liv. I'm making dinner."

I follow the sound of your voice to find you setting a delicious-looking plate of chicken parmesan on the table. "That looks realty good," I say, my stomach rumbling as if on cue. I haven't eaten in hours. Then, "I didn't know you could cook."

You shrug and smile slightly. "I had to learn. No more disposable income for takeout every night. The fire department set aside a special team to respond to the 911 calls every day at 6:00 like clockwork until I finally learned that tinfoil does not belong in the microwave and pots should not be full to the brim when boiling pasta."

I can't help but chuckle. "Poor baby."

"Poor baby who didn't learn to cook until she was in her thirties. I always assumed I'd either have a) a cook or b) a hundred takeout places within a ten mile radius. Unfortunately, there are only two in this vicinity, and one tastes like cardboard."

"And the other?"

"Closes at eight. Honestly, what kind of restaurant closes at _eight_?"

"A rural one, apparently."

You smile ruefully. "What can I say? I'm a city girl."

"Don't I know it."

You press a fork and knife into my hand. "Here. Bring these to the table. Eat."

"Why is there only one place setting?"

"I'm not very hungry, but I'll be happy to keep you company."

I fix you with an icy glare. "You need to eat."

You throw one right back at me. "You're not my nanny."

We both giggle. "You really were a little princess, weren't you?"

You grin. "And now I'm a big princess with a larger vocabulary and an ego to match."

"Can't argue with that."

I sit down at the table and pull you onto my lap. You smile and bury your face in my neck. "What?"

"I want you close to me," I say lightly, but the truth of my statement isn't lost on you, and you smile gently.

"Here." You carefully twirl a piece of pasta on your fork and bring it to my lips. "Tell me if I cooked it properly."

I obediently take the bite. "Mm, it's good. You know, you've never cooked anything for me before."

"I've _tried_. You just never let me into the kitchen unsupervised after calamities one, two, and three."

I chuckle. "When I decided that replacing my kitchen appliances every week required disposable income that I didn't have, your days in the kitchen were over."

You laugh with me. "Hello! I've done fine on my own."

"After months of trial and error."

"Failure isn't not accomplishing something the first time. It's giving up when you don't."

I kiss the base of you neck. "And you still sound like the Dalai Lama."

It's almost as if I'm home again. Home is wherever you are, and with you in my arms, the cadence of our playful banter coming so naturally, I feel as if I could die right now and still be content.

"Come away with me," I suddenly say, grabbing onto your hand and giving it a squeeze. "We can go anywhere – Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, London, Berlin – I don't care. I just want to be with you, somewhere where Velez will never find us."

You smile sadly. "Oh, Liv, I wish we could."

"We _can_. He wouldn't find you there."

"Liv, he might be watching you. He might know where we are, right now, and the second we leave the house, he might shoot us."

"That's why I won't leave. And because I love you, obviously – I need you, Alex. I _need _you. You're part of me now. I need you with me."

"I need you too. I need you _alive_, so when Velez is gone and the threat has subsided, we can have forever together. It'll come, sweetheart. You just have to be patient. I promise, we'll be together again. We'll have a million more years together, but we just have to wait a little longer."

"Oh, Alex. We don't havea million more years. What if today is all we have? Why should I waste another minute that I could be spending with you? I'll come here, stay here, marry you here if this is where you need to be."

You turn so you're looking into my eyes, and you take a deep breath before you say, with uncertainty creeping into your voice, "Marry me?"

"Of course. If you'll have me."

You smile slightly and punch me in the arm. "You really have poor timing, Liv."

"This isn't a proposal – not yet. I'll be sure to go down on one knee when I do make one, so don't you worry. You'll have your fairytale wedding. But I do want a future with you, Alex. I need a future with you. I can't imagine a future without you."

"Liv, we've got to be realistic. I won't put you in danger."

"Alex, I'm already in danger. Just by coming here I'm in danger, and I don't give a damn. I honestly don't! Come to another country with me, another continent. He won't find us. We can use your new name, Emily whatever –"

"Hammond isn't going to let me leave, sweetheart. You know that."

"He's not your keeper!"

"While I'm in Wisconsin, he is. He's going to keep me safe."

"Alex, that's my job!"

You sigh. "So that's what this is about. You just feel guilty, like you failed me. Olivia, you _didn't_. But that doesn't mean I can put us both in danger, just to test him."

"No, baby. That's not it at all. But I can protect you, I can! Please, let me protect you. Sit here with me, and let me hold you, and just stay in my arms. I'll never let you go, Alex, never."

You kiss my cheek and gently caress my arm, trying to calm me, but I won't be consoled. I need to stay here with you. I need you to let me.

"Alex –"

As if on cue, your cell phone starts to vibrate. "Shh. Hammond," you say, gesturing for me to let you up and keep quiet as you answer the phone. "Hello?"

It breaks my heart, just that simple word. I remember when you were back in New York, how you used to answer your phone with a crisp, professional, "Cabot," every time. And now – here – you're not even Alex anymore.

You listen for a moment, and then shake your head. "No, you can't. I have someone over . . . yes . . . in an hour? . . . no, two. I can't just drop everything and . . . okay. Okay. I'll be there in an hour." You hang up the phone and turn to me. "I'm sorry, Liv. Hammond says he's got something important to tell me. I have one hour, and then I've got to go. By the time I get back, you're going to be gone." I see the tears glistening in your eyes and hold out my arms, but you blink them back and step away. "Olivia, it has to be this way."

"No. No, it doesn't."

"Olivia, I need you to go."

I sigh. "We've got another hour, baby. Let me have another hour with you. Please. I need another hour with you."

You sigh, too, and move closer so I can hug you. You don't reciprocate, but I take the silence as permission, and for the moment, having you in my arms is enough.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

We spend the next hour sprawled on the couch, not speaking, not watching television, just holding each other. You absently trace circles on my arm, and I bury my face in your hair, inhaling the familiar scent of your vanilla shampoo. I can't stop myself from planting intermittent kisses on the crown of your head, and each time I do, you give me the most beautiful smile I think I've ever seen.

After what seems like only a few moments, but is really close to an hour, you gently take my arm and lean in for a kiss. "Liv, it's time. I've got to go."

I feel tears rushing to my eyes. I didn't realize this would be so hard. It simply hadn't occurred to me that you might not come home with me. I hadn't been thinking. I hadn't realized how painful our parting would be once again.

You catch my eye. "Liv," you say quietly. "I want you to be happy. I don't want you to spend your life waiting for a ghost."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. "Alex, I love you. That's all that matters. That's all I know. There could never be anyone else."

You nod. "But, Olivia, you must never do this again. You can't try to find me, or come looking. Don't destroy your life to spend a day with me. I love you, and I love seeing you, and I wouldn't trade this for anything, but it isn't safe and it isn't right. I'm not telling you to find someone else, but I am telling you to distance yourself. Someday, we will have a future together, but I can't give you a timeline. Live your life while you can. Sweetheart, I won't be able to live with myself if I think you're miserable because of me."

"Not because of you, Alex. Because of Zapata, and Velez."

You sigh. "Liv –" Then there are no more words. You simply meld your lips to mine, and I return the kiss as if my life depends on it. It does.

When we finally break apart, there are tears swimming in your baby blues too. "I don't want you to go," I whisper, cupping your cheek.

"Oh, sweetheart, I wish I didn't have to." You plant a chaste kiss on my lips, then step back. "I love you, Olivia. Remember that."

And with those words, you're gone.

I feel my body go limp as I hear the door close and I'm suddenly too exhausted to move. I fall to my knees, sobbing, great, heaving cries that shake my entire body. I can't believe you're really gone, again. But I can't let you go. I can't. But how can I keep you with me? I wish I could just stay here with you, and I would in a second if you'd let me, but I know you won't. You don't like exposing your vulnerability, even to me, or admitting you need anyone other than yourself. My sweet Alex, how can I show you that independence isn't not needing anybody, but knowing how to ask for it when you do? I need _you_, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I know you're strong, stronger than I am, stronger than anyone I know, but you're human. You're allowed to be afraid sometimes and you're allowed to ask for help. If only you'd let me help you, and stay by your side, forever. You always put others first, and I know you wouldn't want me to give up my life to join yours. If only I could find the words to explain that my life is only full and happy and worth something when it's intertwined with yours. Without you, I'm just an empty shell, skin and bones and organs and cells but no soul, no feelings expect pain. There's an ache inside me whenever when I'm not with you, of emptiness and loneliness and misery. I can't go on this way anymore. You don't know how hard it's been for me to go on without you.

Yes, you do. I know it's been hard for you to go on without me, too.

Then why won't you let me stay?

I can't leave, not just yet. I need to be here, in this house where you were only minutes ago, where you've been living without me for what seems like forever. I need to go lie in your bed and bury my face in your pillow, smiling at your familiar scent. I haven't washed your pillow at home, and I still occasionally go out and buy your perfume and spray it around the apartment, but the smell of you has started to fade. Sometimes I go out and buy white hot chocolate mix, even though I hate it, and make two mugs with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows, just the way you like it, so I can pretend you're still home with me. Sometimes I squeeze into your Harvard hoodie, so I can pretend it's your arms wrapped snugly around me, but even that isn't enough anymore.

I wander into your washroom and smile at your meticulousness. Everything is perfectly lined up in the medicine cabinet, and my heart clenches when I notice the small bottles of Lunesta and Xanax neatly arranged on the counter, prescribed to Emily Richards. My poor baby. If I was here with you, I would hold you every night and make sure you knew you were safe. I would stay up with you when you couldn't sleep and make you white hot chocolate or chamomile tea, and tell you stories, and make you laugh, and rub your back until you finally drifted off to sleep in my arms. We would wake up together, and there would be nothing pressing to get to, no work, not at all. We would just lie there, holding each other as we watched the sun rise. We might talk, but we might not. Just being with you would be enough for me.

I go into your bedroom and lay down on your bed, pulling your pillow to my chest. It helps to calm me, the subtle scent that lingers on your bedding, and it's almost enough.

* * *

I wake up to find you frantically shaking my shoulders, your eyes wild, your composure slipping as you press a finger to my lips to stop me from speaking. "Hammond's here. You've got to go! Now! I told you –"

"Alex –"

"Shh." You clamp your hand over my mouth and speak quietly, urgently. "There's been another threat. Hammond thinks Velez might know where I am. He's not sure how – Liv, they could be watching you, too. Hammond's moving me. You've got to leave, now."

"Alex," I try to say again, my words muffled by your hand, but you shake your head and press down harder.

"No. Liv, this is our lives. Don't say a word. I won't let him kill you."

I nod, and you remove your hand from my mouth. I take a deep breath and smile weakly. "Don't do that, baby. You're going to kill me if you obstruct my airway."

You glare at me, and I guess that was in bad taste. Now isn't the time. "Olivia, leave. You've got to leave. You've got to go. You've got to. Please, don't make this any harder. I can't – I can't lose you. I can't let them hurt you."

I wrap my arms tightly around you, but you shove me, hard, and I stumble back, surprised at the determination in your eyes. "Alex, I love you. Don't do this."

"This isn't my choice," you whisper, and fall to your knees, rocking yourself back and forth. I put a hand on your shoulder to calm you, but you knock it away. "No! Hammond's going to be here in a minute, Olivia, Olivia – they're going to find me, they're going to find you, they'll kill you, I can't – I can't – Liv, I can't! I'm sorry."

I stand there and watch you in shock. I've never seen you so frantic before, and this hysteria absolutely terrifies me. I know this is a life or death situation, and I'm just being selfish, but I can't lose you! I can't!

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

"Let me come with you," I say, kneeling at your side, my eyes filling with tears at the state you've worked yourself into. "Please, let me stay with you. Don't make me leave you."

You shake your head. "I won't do that to you, Olivia. You have a life –"

"_You _are my life."

"No! No, no, I can't – I can't let you –"

You're scaring me now, and I put my hand on your arm to steady you again. "Baby, you've got to calm down."

You raise your tearstained face. "I need you to go, Olivia. I need you to leave. Now." Your voice breaks. "Please."

"Alex –" Then something occurs to me. "Don't you – don't you want to be together?" I can't help but ask.

"I do – I do – you know I do –"

"Then I'll stay with you, Alex. I have to."

You shake your head again, more vigorously this time. "No. I don't want you to come, Olivia. I _don't want _you to."

I swallow hard. "But Alex, I – I want to be with you –"

"I don't want you with me. I don't want you to be with me. I'm fine on my own."

I see more tears welling up in your eyes, but you blink them back and get to your feet, a bit shakily.

"I _don't want _you," you repeat.

I know you're only saying this to protect me, to protect us both, but the words still hurt. "Okay," I say, my heart aching at the lost look in your eyes, the vulnerability that I know mirrors my own. "Okay. I – I'll go. I'm sorry."

You grab my wrist, squeeze it hard. "Olivia, you must never, ever do something like this ever again."

"Okay," I say again, my stomach clenching. I reach out to try to hug you, but you pull back.

"Now, get out. Hammond's going to be here any second and I can't let him find you here."

Your words hurt more than if you'd slapped me. You've never spoken so harshly to me before. But the absolute terror in your eyes hurts more. I know you're afraid, and that's why you're being so cold, but right now, I barely recognize you.

My heart feels as though it's breaking as I slip out the side door and start to walk, as fast as I can, away from you. I don't even try to hold in my tears.

* * *

I catch the first flight to New York and return home with a heavy heart. When I reach my apartment – the one I used to share with you – I go right into the bedroom and flop down on the bed. Tonight, I know, none of my old tricks will work. Your perfume isn't going to fool me into thinking you're here with me, and even wrapping myself up in one of your sweatshirts won't recreate the bliss I feel when your arms are around me.

I have the next week and a half off. I don't want it. I need to work. I can't just sit here in my apartment and mope. I know you wouldn't want me to. Where are you right now, Alex? Are you on a plane, travelling further and further away from me, thinking about what could have been? What was, and what may never be? Do you miss me? Are you sorry you made me leave?

I am, Alex.

I curl up in a ball and pull my knees to my chest. I need you now, and you're not here.

I can't help the anger bubbling up inside me at the thought. I need you, and you're not here. You promised you always would be here for me, and you're not. It feels almost as though you've betrayed me.

I almost laugh at the absurdity of the thought. You've betrayed me – by getting shot? By doing what it takes to keep yourself alive? I'm just being selfish. And I hate myself for it.

I get up and start pacing around the bedroom. Absently, I trace my fingers over a picture frame sitting on my dresser. It's a picture of you and me, at Central Park several years ago. Our arms are wrapped around each other and your head is thrown back as you laugh. I don't remember what you were laughing at, but I'm watching you with a grin on my face, and absolute adoration shining in my eyes. Your laugh is music to my ears, prim and ladylike until you lose control of it, and then it's full and vivacious. I would never tire of hearing that laugh. I would do anything to see your smile one more time.

With renewed vigor, I pull my photo album out of my dresser and start to leaf through it. The first picture is of the two of us again, beaming, at Elliot's house on Christmas. He invites me every year, and that year I brought you with me, and you got conned into playing eight games of Candyland with Dickie and Lizzie. Not even your lawyer's wit could get you out of that one. Do you remember, baby? Do you remember how we tried to make a cake, but you accidentally substituted baking powder for baking soda because we didn't have any and you didn't realize they weren't interchangeable? That didn't turn out too well. I remember we looked at the flat mess that was our cake, turned to each other, and burst into laughter, such raucous laughter that soon tears were running down our cheeks. We collapsed on the floor and I wrapped my arms around you, almost instinctively. You smiled, our laugher abating as I smiled back at you, and we just gazed into each others' eyes for a few moments. You curled into me and I kissed the crown of your head, and you smiled again, which made my heart melt. "Let's do this every day," you said.

"What, screw up a chocolate cake and waste all these baking ingredients?"

You shook your head, blue eyes shining brightly. "No, just spend the day together like this. Even if it's just cooking – or failing at cooking, as the case may be."

I hugged you tighter. You were always so sweet.

I flip another page and smile at the next picture, of you with mashed cauliflower in your hair and covering your face, glaring at me as you try to hold back your smile. I remember that. I'd left with you the task of making dinner while I ran out to do some shopping, and when I got home, I found you covered in mashed cauliflower. I couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of you, so adorable in this slightly disheveled state.

You fixed me with a petulant stare. "Well, how was I supposed to know that the blender needs to be _closed_?" you asked, a smile playing around your lips as you waved half of a wooden spoon in my face. "And wooden spoons don't belong anywhere near blenders?"

"Oh, Alex, what did you _do_?"

"I was trying to stir it."

I laughed again and snapped the photo, ignoring your glare. Your kitchen misadventures only endeared you to me even more, if that was possible. Baby, I never knew this much love existed in my heart before I met you. I never realized I could love someone so completely, with my entire soul.

I never knew that, in a city of eight million people, I could feel so alone.

I feel so empty without you, baby.

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

I go back to work the next day. I have to. I won't let myself sit in my apartment, wallowing in misery and fear, and shame. I should never have let you go. I should have convinced you to let me come with you.

I know how ridiculous that is, Alex. You never let anyone convince you of anything – you'd probably end up convincing _me _to come back here. But I need you now, Alex. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you accept it? Why can't you admit what we both know, what I see in your eyes, in your smile, in your house in Wisconsin, in your medicine cabinet – that you need me too?

I'm scared that if I just sit here and allow myself to miss you, instead of throwing myself into my work as I know I have to, to cope with my pain, I'll do something I regret. Hurt myself. I could, easily, without you here to protect me from myself and my own fears. I'm so afraid that you'll never come home, or that Velez will find you – and I know that if I try to find you again, that's exactly what will happen.

There's nothing more I can do for you, so now I have to help myself. I'll keep myself safe for you. I'll wait for you, Alex, always. Because I love you.

* * *

Elliot asks me where I've been for the past few days. I don't answer, just plop myself down at my desk and cross my arms, scribbling at a DD-5.

A moment later, he sets a cup of lukewarm coffee down on my desk. "Drink this."

I eye it suspiciously. "Who made it?"

"Munch."

I push it away. "Pass."

He smiles slightly. "Get your caffeine fix and then tell me where you were for the past few days."

I turn back to my paperwork.

Elliot sits down at his desk. "You're in a crappy mood."

"Shove it."

"Liv –"

"Stop. I have a migraine."

He rolls his eyes. "Okay, _Alex_."

I want to hit him, for reminding me of you, when the only reason I'm here is to force myself to forget. Yes, you're the one who gets migraines, not me, but it seemed like a logical thing to say, a minute ago.

I miss you so much, Alex. My heart is aching for you already.

"Liv," Elliot says again. "What's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothing."

I can't tell him, although I know you'd want me to. You'd want me to have someone to talk to, someone to be there for me when you can't be. You've always honored the bond between Elliot and me – when you got shot, I know Hammond asked you if you wanted to say goodbye to me, but you insisted that Elliot come, too. So I wouldn't be alone with our secret, with my pain. You knew Elliot would be supportive, and you wanted that for me. Oh, Alex, I can't understand why you used to tell me you were selfish. You did this for me, because you knew I needed it, but that I would never ask for it myself.

When I asked you to move in with me, your first words were that I wouldn't be able to live with you, that you were too self-absorbed, too stubborn, too difficult, too selfish. Baby, you're the least selfish person I know. I hope you see that, now. The love we share belies that fear. I don't know why you think that of yourself – we had such precious little time together that I never found out. But I hope you know now that none of that is true. I know those secret fears that you've always tried to hide, the ones I could never quite assuage, and I could never figure out how to show you they were unfounded. Now I may never have the chance.

"I miss her," I say quietly, almost to myself.

"Alex?"

Mutely, I nod.

He reaches over and gives my shoulder a squeeze. "She'll be back."

I shake my head. No. No, you won't be. Not soon. Maybe not ever. You made me leave. You don't want me with you now. And if you ever return, things won't be the same. There will be something between us, always, a barrier we've inadvertently erected. The distance isn't only physical now.

* * *

After work is finished, I find myself at the cemetery, sitting beside your gravestone. It's silly to be here, knowing what I know – I used to come every week or so, just to keep up appearances, but it's not about appearances this time. It's been years, and you've faded from most people's memories. Not mine, though – never mine.

Here, even though I know you're still alive, I somehow feel closer to you. So I sit for several long moments, silently. Then I say, barely above a whisper, "I love you, Alex."

I hope you know.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Days go by, melding into weeks, then months. Life goes on – at least, my existence does. Days are full of rape victims and DD-5s and court trials and dinners with the Stablers when Kathy's feeling sorry for me and convinces Elliot to invite me, even though he tells her I'm fine. I miss you every single minute of every single day, but I cope. I have to.

I lie in bed alone every night, wishing you were here beside me, holding me or letting me hold you. It's so dark here, baby. I never noticed before.

And then I get the call. Hammond. "I need you to meet me somewhere," he says, and I panic. Has something happened? Are you hurt?

"Why the hell are you in New York? You're supposed to be with Alex!"

"Detective, I'll explain. Where can I meet you?"

"The precinct."

"No. They could be watching the precinct."

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Then what the hell are you doing here?"

"Washington Square Park. Twenty minutes."

"Hammond –"

But he's already hung up the phone.

Snarling, I pull on my jacket, rummage for my keys, and run down the stairs, taking them two at a time. I step out in front of my apartment and raise my hand to hail a cab.

One stops almost immediately and I tell the driver where I want to go. "Ten bucks if you can get me there in twenty," I tell him, and he accelerates.

My heart is pounding as we speed toward the park. It's on the other side of the city, and I'm pissed at Hammond for sending me all the way out here. That's good. Pissed is better than afraid, and I hate to admit it, but I'm absolutely terrified. What if you're hurt, or – I can't even say it. As if voicing the words, even in my head, will make them true.

We get to Washington Square Park in record time. I shove a twenty at the driver and tell him to keep the change, and I pull my coat more tightly around myself as I run toward the park. I don't even realize I'm trembling until I clasp my hands together and feel the goose bumps on my hands.

A moment later, Hammond walks over to me. I recognize him immediately – he looks like a cop, and I want to scream at him for being so conspicuous.

Then I notice the woman beside him. She's tall and so thin that I can count each bone beneath her fair skin. There's a white bandage wrapped around her left wrist and she's wearing a baggy jacket that looks like it's about three sizes too big. Her face is covered, but – I know that figure. Oh my –

And then you're in my arms, and I'm holding you tightly and you're hugging me back and we're both crying.

I feel Hammond's hand on my shoulder. "You're making a scene," he says quietly. "Cut it out."

I shove him away and pull you closer to me, kissing the crown of your head. "I love you," I whisper, and you nod, tightening your arms around me.

"Detective," Hammond says again, and you raise your head, taking a deep breath.

"Sorry," you murmur, but I just hold you tighter.

"It's okay," I say through my own tears. "You're here now. I'm here. Go ahead and cry if you need to."

You nod, then say softly, "Hammond didn't want me to come back, but I convinced him."

I smile weakly. I can imagine.

"I needed to come home."

My stomach sinks. "So you're not staying?"

"No, I am. I have to, now."

"I told her –" Hammond says.

"I know. You told her she shouldn't." I roll my eyes and give you an affectionate squeeze. "Hammond, haven't you learned by now not to argue with her when her mind's made up about something?"

"It's dangerous," he grinds out.

"I don't care," you say, taking my hands and squeezing them.

"Baby, you could get hurt." I can't stop the words, even though I don't know want you to go anywhere.

"I know. Hammond will look out for us just as well here."

He glares at us. "You're making a mistake, Emily."

"Alex," you say sharply, then more gently, "My name is Alex."

He nods, his voice softening slightly. "Alex."

I kiss your cheek. "Let's go home, Alex."

Your face lights up and I can tell you're more than okay with that idea.

* * *

Hammond tells us he'll come over to our apartment later and we'll talk then. Right now, I just want to get you home.

I make you a cup of tea, then we curl up on the couch together. For a long time, we don't say anything, just holding each other. Then I say, a bit hesitantly, "Alex, what happened?"

You take a deep breath. "You want the whole story? Now?"

I kiss your forehead. "We've got time. We've got forever."

You nod and sit up, taking a sip of tea before you say in a measured voice, "There was another threat. I had to move, again, this time to a town in the middle of Tennessee. I think there might have only been a couple hundred people in a thirty mile radius. And they were so small-minded there – I mean, I wasn't _me_, it shouldn't have bothered me, but for some reason, it just did. One night, I was just so miserable – I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I just wanted to forget for just a few moments." You stop then, your voice cracking, and I reach out to hug you.

You hug me back, melting into my arms, and we stay like that in silence for a few moments.

Finally, you pull away, brush at the moisture in your eyes and adjust your glasses. "I wanted to forget how this feels," you say quietly, taking another breath. "I wanted to forget how much you love me, how much you must have missed me, how miserable you must have been. But then there was the thought that maybe you weren't, maybe you'd done as I said and found someone else, and maybe you were happy."

"Alex, I would never –"

You take my hand and squeeze it gently. "I know, sweetie. But I thought, just maybe – and then I felt so awful, because I love you so much, and all I want is for you to be happy, but then, I needed you with me. I would rather you be miserable without me than happy with someone who wasn't me, and then I felt like I was such a horrible person, because I love you, and I know you'd want me to be happy even if it wasn't with you, but I just missed you so much –"

My heart aches at the pain you've endured, and your own insecurities and fear, and I lean forward, silencing you with a kiss. A stray tear leaks from your eye and runs down your cheek, and I wipe it away, but we still don't break the kiss. You wrap your arms around me, holding me close, and in that moment, we're connected. We're not two bodies anymore; we're one, united, together. Forever.

Finally, we pull apart, and you gaze into my eyes, pure adoration and _love _shining in your baby blues. You absently caress my hand with the pad of your thumb and keep your eyes locked on mine as you continue, "That night, I went to a bar. I let this guy buy me a few drinks – maybe more than a few – and I took him home with me. I just wanted to forget, and this – I knew it would hurt. I knew it would feel wrong, so wrong, because it wasn't you. And it did. We had sex. He left. Then I took a whole bottle of Xanax."

I inhale sharply, even though I knew it would end up like this. "I love you," I tell you, because I can tell you need to hear it again right now.

"I know," you reply, and squeeze my hand again. "Nothing happened. I felt a bit dizzy, my back started hurting, I think I threw up once or twice – but I didn't get oblivion. It wasn't enough. I was so, so miserable, I felt so hopeless – I thought I'd never get home to you. I thought then – I had to – I cut my wrist. It was stupid – Liv, I'm so sorry."

I brush your hair back from your forehead, feeling nauseous as the full extent of your pain hits me, but I try to push it away. I've been selfish, feeling sorry for myself all this time. I haven't even thought about how scared you must have been in Witness Protection, all alone. And this is about you now, not about me. I need to stay strong for you. That's my job, to be here for you, to protect you, even if it's from yourself. I love you so much. I need you so much. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.

I cup your cheek and lean in for a kiss. You reciprocate, your body relaxing into me, and I run the fingers of my other hand through your hair.

I take a minute to compose myself, and when I feel like I can speak again, I say, "You're here now, with me, and that's all that matters. Just stay in my arms. I'll never let you go again, never. I love you so much."

You curl up against me, suddenly weary. "I love you, too," you say softly, almost as if you're ashamed to admit it. "And I need you."

I kiss the crown of your head. "And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that."

"But being here – I put us both in danger. When Zapata finds me – and he will find me, you know he will – he'll try to kill us both. He'll never let us be."

I give you another kiss. "Let's not worry about that right now, baby. Just stay here, with me, and let me hold you."

You sigh and lean against me. "Of course."

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

I fall asleep with you in my arms, my cheek resting against your silky blonde tresses, basking in the warmth of our love. When I wake up and find that you're still here, caressing my arm with the pad of your thumb and watching me intently, I can't keep the grin off my face.

"Sleep well, Liv?" you ask quietly, brushing your hand through my hair.

I sit up and rub my eyes. "Of course. You're with me."

You smile. "You're sweet."

I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and kiss your cheek. "I missed you," I say quietly.

"I missed you, too, sweetheart. And I promise I'm not going anywhere."

"Even if we're in danger?"

"I'd rather die with you than live without you."

"You're not going all _Romeo and Juliet _on me, are you?" I smile weakly, but the look on your face is serious, and I give your hand a squeeze. You whimper a bit and I realize I've hurt your wrist. "Sorry," I say softly.

You shrug, and I bring your wrist to my lips and kiss the gauze enveloping it. You look uncomfortably away and I drop your wrist.

"When was the last time you had something to eat?" I ask.

You shrug again, your eyes twinkling. "Yesterday?"

"Time for lunch. You're too thin, Alex."

"Well, thanks." You roll your eyes. "You're quite the charmer."

I choose to ignore that and start toward the kitchen. "So I can make, um, spaghetti with cheese, or, um, spaghetti with no cheese, or spaghetti with butter, or spaghetti with no butter, or spaghetti with butter and cheese."

"Sounds exciting."

"Doesn't it?"

You obediently sit at the table and let me fix you a plate of spaghetti with butter and parmesan, which happens to be all we have in the apartment. When I set it down in front of you with an elaborate wave, you giggle, but you just pick at your food.

"Is it okay? Did I not cook it right?"

"No, it's fine. I'm just not very hungry."

"I thought you hadn't eaten anything since yesterday."

You shrug uncomfortably. "I'm just not hungry."

"Alex." I have to tell you, because I'm worried and it's true. "You've lost a lot of weight. You look sick."

Your head snaps up. "I'm fine, Olivia! You're not my mother." With that, you pick up your plate and dump the rest of the pasta in the garburator, then flounce out of the room.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, debating whether or not I should follow you. You've come back, yes, and that's the important thing. But there's something different about you, a sadness that wasn't there before. A wariness. And you have lost a lot of weight, so much so that your ribs poke through your shirt. So you haven't been eating, you haven't been sleeping, you've tried to kill yourself – I can't even imagine the pain you've endured, to feel as though that was the only option, or for it to even occur to you in the first place. I wish I could shoulder all this pain for you.

I take a deep breath and go into the bedroom, where I find you stretched out on the bed, staring listlessly at the ceiling. I lie down beside you and wrap an arm around your shoulders. "I'm sorry," I say, even though I'm not. Well, I'm sorry for upsetting you, but I'm more concerned about you than anything.

You move toward me, but don't say anything. I start to gently rub your back. I can feel every vertebra in your spine, but I don't comment. I just hold you close and do what I can to make it okay for you. For us.

* * *

That night, we curl up in bed together, and I can't believe how good it feels to have you in my arms again. The bottle of Lunesta I saw in your bathroom all that time ago is conspicuously absent, and I'm glad.

I drift off to sleep with a smile on my lips and the love of my life beside me, and if I died tonight, I would be able to say with complete certainty that my last few hours were spent in the most blissful way imaginable.

* * *

I wake up in the middle of the night to find my arms empty. I panic for a moment, then force myself to calm down as I pad toward the living room. Sure enough, you're there, sitting by the window in your favourite armchair.

I smile weakly and perch on the edge of your chair, resting a hand on your shoulder. "Alex?"

You look at me and try a smile. "Is it morning?"

"No." I brush your hair back from your forehead. "You couldn't sleep?"

"I didn't take my medication," you say quietly.

"Why?"

You look away. "I was embarrassed."

"You don't need to be embarrassed, baby. If that's what you need to sleep, then that's what you need to sleep."

"I thought it might scare you – that stuff knocks me out, Liv. I thought if you woke up and tried to get me up and I wouldn't move, it would scare you. It's some of the strongest stuff on the market."

My heart breaks at the pain in your voice. "Take your medicine if you need to, sweetheart."

"It's too late now. It's two in the morning, and I'll be out for at least eight hours. I don't want to miss a minute with you anyway."

I smile. "It's okay, baby. You've got to sleep. We have forever, remember? We've got forever."

You smile back, a bit ruefully. "That's what we thought before, too."

What can I say to that?

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

I must have fallen back asleep, because I wake up to find your soft lips pressed against my forehead. "I brought sustenance," you say with a smile, climbing onto the bed beside me and holding out a croissant and a cup of coffee from Starbucks.

I sit up in bed and lean over to give you another kiss. "Thanks, baby." I take a sip of coffee. Ah, the fuel to start my day. "Did you –?" I start to ask, then stop. Of course you haven't slept. I can see the dark bags under your eyes.

I slide closer to you and wrap an arm around your shoulders, breaking off a piece of the croissant and handing it to you.

You examine it for a moment, then take a bite. Sighing, you rest your head on my shoulder, and I kiss your cheek. "I love you," I whisper in your ear, and you beam.

"I love you, too, Liv." You hesitate. "Hammond called. He wants to come over."

"Mm." I bury my face in your silky blonde hair and inhale the familiar scent of your vanilla shampoo. "Later."

You take another bite of croissant and chew slowly. "He said noon."

"He can wait."

I sit up and start to massage your back. Your muscles are coiled and I rub away the tension as best I can. It makes me sad to see what your time in WitSec has done to you – the white bandage wrapped tightly around your left wrist, the deep bags under your eyes, the tightness of your muscles, the way your ribs protrude, the sadness so visible in your baby blues.

I feel you start to relax into me and I kiss the crown of your head. It feels so good to hold you again, to have you here with me, in my arms. I love you so much, baby.

I bring your bandaged wrist to my lips and kiss it with utmost tenderness. Your body shudders slightly, but you don't say anything. You lean back against me and smile slightly as I start to thread my fingers through your soft golden hair. "You're so beautiful," I say, almost unconsciously.

You smile shyly and I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, cradling you more tightly in my arms. You normally wouldn't stand for being held like this and would have pushed me away by now – I've always been the needier of the two of us, and you sometimes get impatient with me for it. But today, you need the comfort and I need the reassurance that you're still here and not going anywhere, and for now, you let me hold you. I'd be happy to hold you forever if you'd let me. I've missed you so much.

We stay like that for several moments in comfortable silence. Suddenly, you jump at a knock on our door. I kiss your shoulder blade and lightly rub your back. "It's okay. It's just Hammond."

You smile ruefully and nod, sliding off my lap so I can get up to answer the door.

Sure enough, it's Hammond, and I step aside to let him in. I notice your gaze lingering on the locks on the door, and I flip the second lock, just in case. I'm not taking any chances when it comes to your safety.

Hammond sits down in the armchair and I pull you onto my lap on the couch again. You indulge me, which isn't typical of you – you're not given to public displays of affection in any way, shape, or form – but I need you in my arms today. Always.

"I'm not going back into Witness Protection," you say before Hammond has a chance to open his mouth. "I'm staying here."

"Alexandra, you might not have a choice. By being here, you're putting yourself and Detective Benson in danger. The other detectives, too," he says.

"I don't care," you say, and I tighten my arms around you.

"Alexandra, Velez's men can find you much more easily here than across the country."

"I don't care," you repeat. "I'm not going back. I can protect myself."

"I still don't think you understand the enormity of the situation. The police department doesn't have the finances or the resources to give you a full protective detail."

"Why should she need one?" I ask him.

"Detective Benson, your delusions of grandeur and invincibility aren't going to protect your girlfriend from a drug cartel."

I take offense to that, but you turn to me, a smile playing around your lips. "He's right, you know."

"Alex, it's not funny. This is your _life_ we're talking about."

"But you _do _have delusions of grandeur and invincibility."

"Alex! Stop it. This is serious."

You slide off my lap, ducking your head as you move to the edge of the couch. "I'm sorry."

I scoot over to you and give you a squeeze. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm just –" I hate to admit it, but I have to. "I'm afraid, Alex. I'm afraid for you." I turn to Hammond. "I'll – I'll go back into Witness Protection with her. I won't let her go, ever again."

"No, Olivia. I can't do that to you. I won't."

"Sweetheart, we need to keep you safe. You're not good to me or anyone if you're dead, and I know I won't be able to handle losing you ever again."

"Olivia, we've had this discussion already. The answer hasn't changed."

I take your bandaged wrist and kiss it again, and you stiffen, but you don't pull your arm out of my grasp.

"I'm sorry," you say quietly, adjusting your glasses. "I won't hurt you, Olivia, any more than I already have."

"Alex, being without you hurts me more than you know."

You close your eyes and sigh.

"Alexandra, you're putting yourself and Detective Benson in danger by being here," Hammond says.

"I can protect her," I tell him. "If she won't let me come with her into WitSec, she can stay with me. I'll take care of her. I'll keep her safe from Velez."

"Detective –"

"Please," you say to Hammond, your voice breaking, "I won't go back."

Hammond sighs, and I pull you closer to me, unconsciously pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. "I think she's safer here than she would be in WitSec," I tell him carefully, hoping the implication is clear.

His expression softens slightly. "My job is to protect you from a drug cartel, Ms. Cabot. I can't do that if you insist on being stubborn and staying here. I know you love Detective Benson very much and you miss her, but your safety – and hers – is in jeopardy if you stay."

You raise your head and I see the vulnerability in your eyes, the naked fear. "I can't."

You quickly mask the fright I've just glimpsed, but I know how difficult this is for you anyway. I can see it in the slight slump of your shoulders and the trembling of your hands, in the way your hands are clasped tightly together, in the way you keep glancing at your bandaged wrist, as if to make sure it hasn't started bleeding again. You're trying to hide it, but I can tell you're absolutely terrified. I am, too, baby. I'm absolutely terrified of losing you – whether into Witness Protection or into the hands of a drug lord.

"Hammond, can you come back tomorrow? I think this is something Alex and I should talk about before we make a decision," I say.

"My decision is already made," you say curtly. "I'm not going back into Witness Protection ever again. I'm staying here."

"Baby, I think this is something we should discuss."

"There's nothing to discuss. You're not going to change my mind."

"Either way, I want to talk about this with you, and I think we'd be better off doing so without an audience."

"Olivia, I'm staying here, and you're not going to convince me otherwise."

I glance at Hammond. "Can you come back tomorrow?"

He looks reluctant, but finally nods. "You have one day to make a decision."

"I've already made it –" you start to say again, but he raises his hand to stop you.

"If you insist on staying here, I can't stay with you. That's not my job."

"I don't need you," you tell him coldly, and I snake an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to me. You have me. You always have, and that's all you need.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

When Hammond leaves, I make you a cup of tea and we curl up on the couch again. I hold you close and you lean into me, relaxing into my embrace. I love that you're letting me hold you like this, and that it seems to help, if only a little. "Alex," I say after the silence has stretched for several moments, "we need to talk."

"Olivia, you're not going to change my mind."

"I know, baby. I don't want to lose you any more than you want to leave, and I know you're scared –"

"I'm _not _scared."

I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "It's okay to be scared, Alex," I say quietly. "I'm scared, too. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to live without you. I don't think I can."

"I can't, either," you say quietly. A stray tear rolls down your cheek and I brush it away.

"Don't cry, Alex, please. I'm here. I will always be here with you. Even if it can't be here, even if it has to be –"

"_No_. I won't become someone I'm not again, and I won't ask you to do that, either. I want to stay here and I want to be me. With you. That's all." You swallow hard. "Is that too much to ask for?"

I don't know what to say to that, so I just don't say anything.

You sigh and rest your head in my lap. I start to stroke your hair and you exhale deeply, rolling onto your side and looking up at me, smiling contentedly. "I love you," you say quietly.

"I love you, too, sweetheart." I caress your cheek. "Alex, can you explain to me exactly why you're so against going back into WitSec with me?"

You sigh. "_No_, Olivia. I can't. Let it go."

"Alex." I lift your chin and hold your gaze steady. "I'm not going to leave you, ever. Even if we end up in a no-name town in the middle of Louisiana, I'm not going anywhere."

You shake your head. "That's not – I know you won't, Liv."

"Then what is it?"

You whimper, removing my hand from your chin, and I feel my heart constrict. But I don't let go of you, and after a moment, you say softly, "You don't know what it's like, to lose yourself, a little bit every day, and then one morning, you wake up and you don't even remember who you are. I forgot the sound of your voice, Liv." You shake your head as if to clear to it. "I won't go through that again."

"But baby, I'll be with you. You won't forget me and I won't forget you. You're all I need, Alex."

"Oh, Liv . . ."

Fear flashes in your eyes again, and suddenly it's clear why you're so resistant. You're still scared that I'm going to leave you eventually, that I'll get tired of you or suddenly wake up one morning and decide I don't want you anymore, and you'll be left all alone. I've tried so hard to show you love, to show you that you deserve love, but I know you're still afraid, and it breaks my heart that you still think you don't deserve me, and that you still fear that I'll leave you.

"I love you, Alex," I say again, because it's all I can think of to say. "I'll love you forever if you'll let me."

You turn away. "I won't throw away our future in Witness Protection. We wouldn't get through it, Olivia."

My stomach clenches. "Why do you think that, baby?"

"_I _barely got through it."

"I know you're strong, Alex, and I'll be there for you. Just like you're always there for me."

You smile self-deprecatingly. "You'll get sick of spending all day, every day with me."

"Never," I say firmly. "There's no one in the world I'd rather spend my days with." I brush your hair back from your forehead and give you a kiss. "Where is this coming from, Alex? Before you went into Witness Protection, we lived together for more than a year."

"It's different." You raise your head. "And the answer is still no."

I sigh, recognizing that this isn't an argument I want to have right now. I can never say no to you when you're vulnerable like this, when you finally let that impenetrable façade waver. "Okay," I say quietly. "I'll tell Hammond."

* * *

Life starts again, tentatively. Hammond has people keeping an eye on us, but we're not being watched 24/7, and while I would think that would scare you, you tell me that it makes you feel free. You know I'll protect you, and the trust you've placed in me makes my heart swell. I love you so much, and I do what I can to treat you like the princess you are, no matter how much pain you're in,

You still aren't sleeping properly, so we get into the habit of taking long walks at night. I've told you it isn't safe for us to be out so late, but you used to do this in Wisconsin, and it does help, a bit. I keep one hand in yours and the other on my holster, just in case, because who knows what shady characters might be walking around New York City at two in the morning? I won't take any chances with your safety.

One night, we're walking around the neighborhood and you're telling me about a case that Abbie is prosecuting in Washington, some profound ethical dilemma that has turned into a thirty minute monologue as you tell me exactly what you would do in Abbie's situation. I've lost interest about twenty-eight minutes ago, but the lilt in your voice makes me smile and endears you even more to me. It if helps you, I'm more than happy to walk all night with you, listening to you tell me about Abbie's prosecutorial adventures in Washington DC.

"Olivia," you say, almost but not quite whining, "you're not _listening_." I nearly expect you to stamp your feet to punctuate the sentence, and it's so cute that I have to smile again.

"Yeah, I am, baby. You said Abbie called you and asked you for advice."

You roll your eyes, but you can't quite suppress the smile that's playing around your lips. "I said that half an hour ago."

I adopt a mock-contrite expression. "I'm sorry. You're just so beautiful under the stars like this, and I guess I got distracted, just watching you."

You grin, your baby blues sparkling with mirth. "Oh, you're such a charmer."

I can't tear my eyes from yours – they're like magnets, pulling me in, and I'm terrified that if I look away, when I turn back, you'll be gone. But I try to keep the mood light. "You love me that way."

You squeeze my hand. "That's right. I do."

The quiet hum of an approaching car makes me turn slightly. I don't want to startle you, but I glance behind us as inconspicuously as I can and see a white Toyota. I briefly note the license plate and, trying still to seem unconcerned, move to your other side so I'm standing on the curb and you're sheltered by the neighboring apartment buildings. Just in case.

My efforts don't go unnoticed, and you catch my eye again, smiling slightly. "I really do love you," you tell me, quietly, genuinely, and even in that, I hear the plea I know you'll never make –_ don't hurt me._

"I won't," I say softly, almost to myself, but you hear me anyway, and you smile.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

I wake up in the middle of the night several weeks later to find you shaking my arms, your eyes wide. "Liv," you whisper.

My eyes fly open at the sound of your voice. "Yeah, baby? What is it?"

You kiss my forehead. "Sit up with me."

"Okay." I get out of bed and follow you to your regular perch on the couch, where you sit all night sometimes when you can't sleep. The apartment is cold, and I shiver as I pull off the warm duvet, but it doesn't matter. You're more important than my temporary discomfort.

I sit down beside you and pull you into my arms. Your thin body is trembling slightly and I take the blanket that sits beside our couch and wrap it around your shoulders.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

You sigh and lean back against me, not saying anything.

I press a kiss to your temple. "Baby?"

"My wrist hurts," you say after a moment, and I smile slightly.

"Would you like me to kiss it better?"

You hold it out and I kiss the bandage that still covers it. I took you to the doctor last week to get it looked at, and the doctor rewrapped it, but you'll have to wear the bandage for another two or three weeks to let it heal. Poor baby.

You smile a bit and rest your head on my shoulder. "Today was Emily's birthday," you say quietly.

I stroke your hair and search for the right words. Finally, I say, "Emily's not real, Alex. You are."

You sigh, closing your eyes. "I know. I just – I remember last year –"

"What about last year?"

"The claims adjuster Emily was dating – he made her chocolate cake."

I knit my brows. "But you hate chocolate cake. You like vanilla, or strawberry, or pie. Banana cream pie, with real bananas and banana whipped cream, but you have to make it yourself to make sure it's real banana extract instead of that artificial crap."

"Exactly."

"Oh." I think I understand now. "Alex –"

"I forgot that it was her birthday. I almost blew my cover. I woke up in the morning and he called me and said happy birthday, and I wasn't thinking – I said it wasn't my birthday, and he sounded confused and he said yes, it was, and I remembered then and I just laughed a bit and said birthdays were never really special for me, and he said that was because I had no one to celebrate with, and why didn't he come over after work. He brought me chocolate cake, and then he wanted to make love, and how could I say no? He was sweet, but I didn't love him. He didn't know me. He wasn't _you_. I missed you so much. And it wasn't even my goddamn birthday."

I hold you more tightly and kiss the crown of your head. "I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you."

"Every single time I made love with him, I felt like I was cheating on you."

"Oh, Alex, no. No, you weren't. Emily was, but she never knew me. She's not real, baby. She doesn't exist anymore."

You nod. "And that's why I don't want to go back into Witness Protection, even with you. I don't want Emily to exist again. I hated her so much. I didn't want – I didn't want to hurt myself." You hold up your bandaged wrist. "I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to get her out of me. I wanted her to bleed out of me, so I could be me again."

"Oh, baby. I wish I'd been there for you. I wish I could have been with you and reminded you who you really are."

"I made you leave. I told you I didn't want you anymore."

"I know you didn't mean it. You thought you were protecting me."

"I hurt you."

"You were hurting, Alex. I know you were. And you're here now. That's all that matters. I promise I'll keep you safe, and you'll never have to be Emily again."

You snuggle closer to me. "I love you so much," you whisper, fingering the pendant I wear around my neck.

I kiss your forehead. "I love you, too."

You take a deep breath. "I remember last year, on my real birthday, no one even knew. I wanted to call you so badly. But I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. And I was sitting there at my kitchen table with one chair, reading my newspaper and drinking a cup of tea, and I had my cell phone out, and I kept dialing your number and pressing _end call_, and dialing it again and again and again. I called in sick to work. I couldn't be around anyone. And then he came over, without even calling to tell me. He brought me chicken noodle soup and sat with me and all I wanted was to tell him to leave, but I knew I couldn't do that. He held me, and I tried to pretend he was you, but I just couldn't. I needed to be alone. I needed to be with you, but I could only be with you in my head."

I gently rub your back. "Well, I'm here now, and you're with me. I'm not ever going to leave you again."

You look up at me, your eyes full of pain. "I kept thinking of my last birthday. Do you remember? You made me breakfast in bed, and I happened to have the day off, and you took it off too, and we lay together in bed all morning, and then we went out for a walk, and we came home and you helped me make banana cream pie, because I said I didn't trust you to make it yourself." You smile slightly. "I was just being silly. And you took me out for dinner, and dancing, and I think it was the best birthday I ever had, because I got to spend the whole day with you. And I just kept thinking of that, and missing you. I tried to make myself banana cream pie. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't taste the same and it just made me miss you more."

I hug you tightly. "Alex, I promise you, you will never have to have another birthday without me again. Never."

You wrap your arms around my neck. "That's why I'll never go back, Liv. I won't risk our future."

I swallow and nod. You've made up your mind, and I know there's nothing I can do to change it. Now, I'm not sure I even want to.

"Come back to bed with me, baby," I say quietly, kissing the base of your neck.

You shake your head. "Can we just stay here?"

"If that's what you want."

"I think maybe I'll be able to sleep now." You drop your eyes, almost as if you're ashamed to have to ask. "If you hold me."

"Always," I tell you, and we lay down on the couch. I don't let go of you, and within moments, you've fallen asleep. For the first time in nearly a month, I feel the permanent knot in my stomach loosen. You're asleep, in my arms, and we're okay.

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

You're still not eating much or sleeping at all, and I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I love you so much, and I feel so helpless when another of your favourite meals goes untouched and you spend one more sleepless night staring listlessly out the window. You're wasting away before my very eyes, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

So I do something I've never been good at in the past. I ask for help. From George Huang, no less.

My previous aversion to shrinks is overridden by my overwhelming concern for you. Sitting on the couch in George's office, I pour out the whole story, telling him all about your return from Witness Protection, how you tried to hurt yourself, how you're constantly afraid. How you jump at every unexpected sound, how you can't bring yourself to stomach anything I make, how you insist I double check the doors and windows to make sure they're locked at night. How sometimes you just disappear into your head, and nothing I say or do seems to reach you, and sometimes the only thing that can bring you back is your name. I say it over and over, "Alex, Alex, Alex," until you come back to me.

George listens silently, nodding every few moments to encourage me to continue. When I finish, I lean back against the couch, physically and emotionally drained, and I wait.

He asks me what medication you're on, and I tell him Lunesta. "Is she taking it regularly?"

"No. She says she doesn't want to start depending on the medication. And you know how she gets . . . but I'm worried about her. I don't think she's had a good night's sleep since she left me."

George nods. "She should be taking her medication . . . maybe an anti-anxiety would help her, too."

I roll my eyes. "You know Alex." And I know I have about as much chance of convincing you to take more medication as I do of waking up tomorrow and finding that I've won the lottery.

"She's lucky to have you, Olivia."

I cover my face with my hands. "I know it's PTSD, I know what it looks like. I've seen it before . . . but it's different. It's _Alex_. She's so stubborn, and she's trying to be strong, but she's hurting so much, and it's killing me to see her like this. I want to help her, but I don't know how. She won't eat, she can't sleep, she won't take her medication, she won't talk to anyone –"

"She's talked to you, Olivia. She trusts you, and that's a major accomplishment."

"I love her, George."

"She knows."

I sigh. "I hope so."

"If she won't anything, you can try blending her food so she can drink it, like a smoothie. It might be easier for her to keep down that way."

"Thanks, George."

"And try to get her to take her medication. If she can't sleep without it, she should be taking it."

Mr. State-the-obvious strikes again. "I'll try," I say, even though I doubt I'll be able to do accomplish much.

* * *

I try what George suggested at dinnertime. I take some fruit and blend it into a smoothie in the hopes that you'll be able to keep it down. You sit at the table with me and ask about my day, but you don't touch the glass I've set out in front of you. "Alex," I finally say, "you've got to eat."

Your eyes flash dangerously. "You're not my mother, Olivia."

"I know, baby. I'm just worried about you, that's all. You're wasting away."

"Olivia –"

"Please, just try some. For me."

You pick up the glass and gulp down a few sips. "There. Happy?" you say, wiping your mouth with your napkin and bolting.

I hear you in the washroom, throwing up, and I sigh. I know it's not your fault, but I hate to see you in pain, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help you.

I count to ten in an attempt to calm myself before I follow you to the bathroom. You're standing at the counter, scrubbing your teeth and carefully averting your eyes from the mirror in front of you. I reach out to wrap my arms around your shoulders. "I'm sorry, baby," I say quietly, kissing the base of your neck.

You sigh and lean back against me. "I'm not trying to be difficult, Olivia. I just can't eat."

"I know, baby. It's not your fault. I'm just really concerned about you. You have to eat. You're sick, Alex."

"Eating isn't going to make me better, Olivia."

"It might make you feel better, sweetie."

You pull me into a hug, resting your chin on my shoulder. "This makes me feel better."

My heart melts, and I gently stroke your hair. "I'm glad."

You take my hand and lead me toward our bedroom. You lay down in bed and pat the space next to you. "Come lie with me."

"Of course." I lower myself onto the bed beside you and hold you close. "I love you, Alex."

"I love you, too," you say, absently caressing my arm with the pad of your thumb.

I smile and pull you against me, then bite my lip. I know I have to tell you I spoke to George. Honesty has always been a key element of our relationship, and I'm not going to betray your trust now, even though I know you'll be angry with me for it. "Alex," I say, still holding you tightly, "I went and talked to George today."

Your head snaps up, your eyes icy. "About me?"

I swallow hard and nod, bracing myself.

You pull out of my arms and jump to your feet. "How _dare _you, Olivia?"

I'm ready for this; I've prepared my arguments and my apology, just in case. Sometimes it really is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. "Baby, you have to understand – I was just worried about you. I still am. I –"

"I don't care, Olivia. My problems are mine, and they're private."

I sit up so I'm looking right into your eyes. "They're my problems now, too."

Your baby blues flash dangerously. "Do you want me to leave? Is that all I am – a problem?"

"No, baby. Absolutely not. You misunderstand. I just care about you – I love you so much, it hurts me to see you in pain. So I did the only thing I could think of. But I know I should have asked you first. I'm sorry."

"Yes, you should have."

"And I will next time."

"There won't be a next time. I'm telling you right now, very clearly, you are not to discuss my personal . . . struggles . . . with your friends."

"Alex, I didn't go to him as a friend. I went to him as a doctor because you're sick and I need to help you get better."

"I'm not sick, Olivia." You lower your voice, and I see the vulnerability slip through the mask of anger you're trying to hold onto. "This is who I am now. I don't remember not being like this. It's just me."

"Baby –" I hold my arms out to you, and you give me a long look before reluctantly sitting down beside me on the bed and curling up against my side. I wrap an arm around you and kiss the crown of your head. "I'm sorry, Alex. I shouldn't have spoken to George. I know that and I won't do it again without asking you first. Am I forgiven?"

You smile weakly and rest your head on my shoulder. "Yes, you're forgiven. I know you were just doing what you thought was right, Olivia. It just makes me . . . uncomfortable . . . when you talk to other people about me like that."

"I know, and I should have thought of that before I talked to George." I don't tell you that you don't always need to be so strong, that others will still accept you if you get scared every once in awhile, or sad, or have trouble with something. I know it won't help and you won't believe me, so I'd just be wasting my breath.

You nod. "I think I'll try to eat something again," you say, and I recognize this for what it is; a peace offering. You're meeting me halfway here, and I can't even begin to express how relieved I am that you're at least going to try.

I hold a hand out to you and help you to your feet. We walk hand in hand to the kitchen and I open the fridge, searching for something you'll be able to easily eat. You lean against the counter, watching me but not offering any suggestions.

I rummage around and come up with a small carton of yogurt and hold it out. "Do you want to try some yogurt, baby?" I figure it might be easier for you to have a liquid than a solid, and yogurt is easily digestible . . . or so I think I remember from a grade three science class thirty years ago.

You nod again and take the carton, but your eyes are still uncertain. "Liv, I haven't anything all day –"

"It's okay, Alex. Let's just start here. Sit down and just try a spoonful of yogurt." I hand you a spoon and sit down across from you at the table.

You eye the carton of yogurt for a moment, then take a small spoonful and bring it to your lips. I watch you carefully as you swallow, and then your eyes flicker back to mine.

"You okay, Alex?"

"I think so." You take another spoonful. "I don't think I'll be sick."

"And if you are, it's not the end of the world. Then we'll just try again tomorrow."

You nod and slowly finish the yogurt. It's only a 100 g carton, but I'm happy you've managed to eat something, and I can leave the issue alone for the rest of the evening. Your lips turn up slightly and I think you're pleased with yourself, too.

I give your arm a squeeze. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." I see something resembling wonder in your eyes. "I think I'm fine."

I caress your hand with the pad of my thumb. "That's good, baby. I'm glad."

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

That night, you can't sleep again, but you agree to lay in bed with me and try instead of going to your usual perch in the living room. You're trembling in my arms, even though I've turned the heat up to a ridiculous level and wrapped you up in several blankets and our duvet. I absently rub your back as you toss and turn in an attempt to get warmer and more comfortable. I can't sleep when you're moving around like this, but it doesn't matter. I won't leave you alone right now, even if it's just to sleep.

After awhile, you disentangle yourself from my arms and get out of bed. "Liv, I'm going to be sick." You run to the washroom and I hear the toilet flush and the tap turn on a moment later, and I sigh, wondering whether I should go to you or not. You might be offended at first, but I know you need to be reassured right now.

I follow you into the bathroom and find you brushing your teeth again. Wrapping my arms around you, I kiss the base of your neck.

"I'm sorry, Liv," you say quietly.

"Don't be sorry, baby. It's okay. You tried. We'll try again in the morning."

You sigh, shaking your head slightly and taking my hand. "Come on. Let's go back to bed."

* * *

You don't sleep that night, or the night after, and after you've been awake for a full sixty hours, I'm starting to get very concerned. "Baby, you've got to sleep," I say on night number three, as we lie together in bed, with you in my arms. "You've got to take your medicine."

"No. I won't start depending on the medication."

"Alex, you can't go three days without sleeping. It's not good for you."

"Since when do you know what's good for me?"

"That's common sense, Alex."

"_No_."

"Why, Alex? Why won't you sleep?"

You turn away from me, your voice barely audible. "I have nightmares. And I can't wake up from them."

Ah, so that's it. "Baby, look at me. Please."

You press your face into your pillow and shake your head.

I sigh and gently stroke your hair. "What do you have nightmares about?"

"About the shooting. About that night. About – about hurting myself. About being without you. About you leaving me."

My chest constricts. "Baby, you know that's not going to happen. I will _never _leave you. I promise."

"I know, but – but it's scary!"

This is something I've never heard from you before, the naked fear in your voice, and the fact that you're actually admitting that something scares you. "Alex, I know sleep isn't the most fun thing in the world for you right now, but your body needs it, and when you wake up, I'll be right here with you." I can hear in your tone what you're not saying, that you're afraid you'll wake up and I _won't _be here, and I know I need to reassure you. "I love you, Alex, and I'm not going anywhere, but you do need to sleep."

"No. I can't take the medicine. I'll throw it up."

Suddenly, a horrible idea strikes me. I could crush up the pill and put it into your food. That would be a violation of the trust we share and even of our own relationship, but I care about you and you do need to sleep.

No. You're not a child and that would destroy our relationship. I won't betray your trust like that again.

"Baby, if it's easier for you, I can crush up the pill and put it into something. I can make you tea, or hot chocolate or something. Whatever you like."

"No," you say, but your protests are wearing thin.

"I'll do whatever you need, Alex. I promise I'll hold you and I won't let go all night. I can put on your yoga soundtrack –"

You shake your head, tears rushing to your eyes. "No, no. Just – I'll go get it. I'll try. For you."

"I can go get you a glass of water –"

"No, it's okay. I can do it."

"You promise?"

Your eyes narrow and I can see that I've insulted you. "Yes, Olivia! I don't need you looking over my shoulder."

You flounce into the washroom and I hear the water running. You come out a moment later and lay down beside me again. "Hold me," you say, your voice coming out thready, and my heart breaks at the vulnerability suddenly visible in your eyes.

"Always," I say, kissing the crown of your head as I pull you into my arms. You snuggle into me, resting your head on my shoulder, and I force myself to stay awake until you drift off to sleep in my embrace.

* * *

I get a full six hours of sleep that night, the longest I've slept in maybe years. When I wake up, you're still sleeping, and I remember that the medication will be effective for a full eight hours. I'm proud of you for taking it, even though you didn't want you, and I press a kiss to top of your head. "I love you," I whisper, brushing your hair back from your forehead.

I'd almost forgotten how beautiful you are while you sleep. Your hair is splayed out on your pillow and your breathing is even. You look ethereal, like a goddess, or an angel. I used to love watching you sleep, and I'm glad to be able to do so once again.

Several hours later, you start to stir and unconsciously burrow deeper into my arms. I hug you more tightly and kiss your forehead. "Good morning, sweetheart," I say as your eyes inch open. "Did you sleep okay?"

Tears immediately rush to your eyes at the question and you wrap your arms around me as you shake your head.

I give you another kiss. "Did you have a nightmare, baby?"

You bury your face in my shoulder and I stroke your hair. "I wish I could just be normal," you say, your voice muffled. "I wish I could just sleep, and not need the medicine, or – or this."

"You mean me?"

You nod.

"I'm happy to be here for you, Alex. I want to be here for you. It's okay to need me sometimes. I need you sometimes, too."

"I know, Liv. I know this is just as hard for you as it is for me and it always has been. I'm just being selfish. I'm too caught up in myself to be strong for you when you need me to be."

"Alex." I lift your chin so you're looking right into my eyes. "Alex, you're doing everything you can. That's enough for me. You just worry about yourself, okay?"

"I just – I feel so weak."

I can't begin to express how relieved I am that you're opening up to me. When I know what the problem is, I can at least try to help you fix it. "Alex, asking for help doesn't make you weak. Neither does needing someone or something to help you through a really tough time. I don't think you're weak at all. You're the strongest person I know."

"You never would have done what I did. You never would have run from Velez. You never would have left me behind. You never would have slept with a stranger just to forget me. You never would have tried to hurt yourself."

"I hope I would have run from a murderer if I was in that situation, because I'm no good to you if I'm dead. And about the rest – Alex, I don't know what I would have done, but I know that you were just doing what you needed to do to cope, and I'm not going to judge you, for any of that. I'm just so glad that you're safe and here with me, and that I can do this for you, that I can hold you, that I can wake up in the morning with you and find you in bed beside me."

You hesitate. "I – I had a nightmare."

I kiss the base of your neck. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I was back in Wisconsin and I saw on the news that you'd been shot, and I wanted to get to New York and be with you but Hammond wouldn't let me – Liv, I was always so scared that you would get hurt and I wouldn't be there for you! Remember the time when we were living together and you got shot, and I stayed at the hospital with you the whole time because I was so afraid – I thought that might happen and I wouldn't be there and what if you –?" You swallow hard. "I was so scared for you, Liv."

"But baby, I'm fine. I'm here now, and you're with me, and you had a full night's sleep. I'm really proud of you, Alex."

"I never want to go back there, Olivia. Never."

"And I won't force you."

You nod and curl into me. "I think maybe I'll try to have something to eat." Then you look up, your lips turning up into a mischievous smile. "If you'll bring it to me in bed, that is."

I chuckle and plant a quick kiss on your lips. "You have me wrapped around your little finger. You know that, don't you?"

"I know," you say as I get out of bed to start breakfast.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Okay, so a bit of fluffiness. Hope you don't mind. Enjoy it while it lasts!**

Throughout the day, I watch you carefully to make sure there aren't any adverse aftereffects of the medication. You seem a bit more tired than usual, which seems contradictory to me, but you've explained to me that sometimes the medication makes you sluggish and not to worry about it, so I try not to.

We go for a walk through Central Park, and by the time we get home, you're pretty worn out, so I make you a cup of hot chocolate and come into the living room to cuddle with you. You curl up on my lap and I stroke your hair, for a moment just welcoming the contact and thinking about how lucky I am to have you with me, to be able to hold you close, to caress your smooth skin and silky golden hair. For years, I've dreamed of this, and now, finally you're back in my arms. Where you belong.

You yawn in that adorable way you have and lean back against me. "Love you," you murmur, resting your head against my shoulder.

You're so cute when you're tired. You're so cute always. "Love you, too," I say, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

You smile contentedly. "Those pills really make me tired."

"That's okay. I'm perfectly happy to just relax with you."

You quirk an eyebrow. "You? Happy to relax? Will wonders ever cease?"

"I'm happy to do anything with you," I say truthfully, and you beam.

"Oh, you're such a charmer."

"So I'm told."

I lightly tickle your side until you giggle and bat my hand away. "Stop!" you say, but I know I haven't really hurt you, and your laughter is music to my ears. I love your laugh, and I'm glad to hear it again.

I kiss your shoulder blade and smile at you, obediently pulling my hand away from your side and instead reaching to rub your back.

You relax into me again, closing your eyes as a contented sigh escapes your lips. "Can we do this every day?"

"I don't know. I think you'd get tired of movie marathons if we did this every day . . . and we might get evicted after a month or so of not being able to afford the rent."

"Mm." You snuggle closer to me. "We could delve into the family fortune."

"_I _don't have a family fortune. _You _have a family fortune."

"You're being silly, Liv. _You're _part of my family. The most important part, I might add."

At your words, my heart soars, even though I really already knew that already, and I feel the same way.

* * *

That night, you take your medication without complaint. I don't comment, not wanting to make an issue of it and force your pride out of its shell, but I know that you already know how proud I am of you.

You get up before me in the morning, and I'm startled awake by a scream from the kitchen. Immediately, I think of all the things that could be wrong – Velez's men, a flashback, a fire. I jump out of bed and run to you.

I find you standing in the kitchen, your face completely devoid of colour. "What is it, baby?"

You point to a miniscule spot on the ground. "Bug," you whisper.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "God, Alex. Don't scare me like that ever again unless it's a life or death situation."

"It is a life or death situation. The bug's. You're going to kill it."

I roll my eyes. "What do you suggest I do? Shoot it?"

"That works. But so does a napkin."

"You do know it's larger than you, right?"

You smile sheepishly, and I can't help but chuckle. I wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your neck.

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Liv, it's not me that's the problem! It's that bug! It doesn't belong in my kitchen!"

"Oh, now it's _your _kitchen?"

"_Our _kitchen. It's our kitchen. That bug is invading our personal space."

"Alex, I promise you, it's not a threat."

You stick out your lower lip. "It's already vying for your attention."

You're so adorable. "Fine, Your Highness. I'll kill it." I let go of you and use a napkin to dispose of the bug.

"Thank you. That's why I keep you around."

"Hey! I have other talents, too, you know."

"Oh, I know about _those _talents." You lean forward to kiss me and whisper against my lips, "Here's your reward."

"Mm." It's so easy to lose myself in our kisses, and I melt for a moment before regaining myself and pushing you back. "Not now."

"Are you actually saying _no_ to me?" you ask in mock surprise.

I chuckle. "You know, some of us have work today."

"Meaning –?"

"Meaning me. Meaning I don't have time for that right now."

"I can make every second worth it."

"Tempting, but no. Eight hours. In eight hours, if you can be patient, we'll have all night."

"That sounds pretty good."

If this is what sleep does for you, I'm going to force those pills down your throat. After two nights of getting a full eight hours, you seem so much happier, so much more relaxed, so much more playful, and I love you this way. I love you anyway, but when you're happy, I'm happy too.

I kiss your forehead. "Since you woke me up _so _early, you can make up for it with a nice hot breakfast. Preferably if it includes chocolate chips."

You laugh. "You needed to get up anyway. You had work. I watched that thing scuttle around for ten whole minutes before I woke you."

"Oh, it was _scuttling_, was it?"

"Yes, I believe that's an adequate descriptor. It was _scuttling._"

I just shake my head. "I'm going to shower."

"May I join you?"

"No. You've got to make me breakfast." You pout, and I chuckle, reaching out to wrap an arm around you. "Hey, I know that if you get into the shower with me, I'll definitely end up late for work. It's not personal."

"_Right_." But you smile and turn toward the cupboard, rummaging around for chocolate chips and holding them up a moment later. "Pancakes?"

"Mm. That's why I keep _you _around."

"So you're the official bug killer and I'm the official pancake maker. Lovely."

"Teamwork, sweetheart."

"When it suits you."

"Whatever." And I run to shower before I really am late for work. I don't want to have to skip the wonderful breakfast I'm sure you'll have prepared by then.

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Look what I came up with, so soon after the last update! Enjoy.**

Your birthday arrives three weeks later, and I've set everything up to make it as special a day as I can. To make up for lost time – I've missed two of your birthdays already, and I don't want to ever miss another.

I wake you up in the morning by covering your face with light kisses, and you when your eyes finally ease open, you give me one of those radiant smiles that makes me melt inside. "Morning, sweetheart," you say sleepily.

I smile and lean in to kiss your lips. "Happy birthday."

You wrap your arms around me, pulling me closer and deepening our kiss. I happily oblige, and once air becomes a necessity and we break apart, we just gaze into each other's eyes for a long moment.

You pull me down beside you again. "Stay."

I click my tongue. "Bossy." But I rest my head on your stomach and let you run your fingers through my hair. "But I was thinking I'd make you breakfast in bed."

"That sounds nice, but I don't want you to go anywhere."

I chuckle. "Just to the kitchen, Alex."

You tighten your grasp on me. "No."

"Mm, okay. Then I guess I'll have to do this." I roll you onto your back and lift you up, wrapping your legs around my waist as I heft you into my arms. "Don't let go. I don't want to drop you." I'm pleased to notice that you're a bit heavier than you were a few weeks ago; you're not looking nearly as skeletal now as you used to.

You giggle and rest your head on my shoulder. "I'm not five, Liv."

"No, you're thirty-five today."

You stick your tongue out at me. "Twenty-five."

"You look twenty-five."

"Thank you. That's why I keep you around."

"For the constant flattery?"

"Absolutely."

I carry you to the kitchen and sit you down in a chair. You pout and immediately reach for me again, but I bat your hand away. "Soon, I promise. But if you want food, you've got to give me ten minutes. I can't cook with you hanging on me."

You widen your eyes in that adorable way of yours. "Eight?"

I laugh. "I'll try."

I fix us strawberry banana crepes as quickly as I can (which turns out to be twelve minutes and eighteen seconds, as you pointedly inform me) and set out our plates on the table with an elaborate bow.

You giggle and give me a kiss. "Thanks, sweetie."

Then something occurs to me. "Wait a second – I forgot the finishing touch!" I ran out to get you flowers this morning, and now seems the right time to give them to you.

"Hey –"

"I have something for you. Don't go anywhere."

You jut out your lower lip, but stay put.

I run out to the front hall where I've left the flowers. I've chosen a bouquet of tulips for you, of red, pink, white, and yellow flowers. I bring them back into the kitchen and present them to you with a flourish. "For you, my love."

Your face lights up and you take the flowers. "They're beautiful."

I know you don't usually like me spending my hard-earned money on something as "frivolous" as flowers, but I know you secretly adore receiving them, and these are special. They mean passionate love, and for us, they symbolize forever. We'll be Alex and Olivia, forever. Not even WitSec can tear us apart.

"Thank you, Olivia. These mean a lot to me." You hug me with your free hand and plant a chaste kiss on my lips. "I'll put them in water."

I smile with pride at having chosen the perfect arrangement. "Would you like some orange juice, baby?"

"Yes, please."

"Aw, how can I say no to you when you ask so nicely?"

"Liv, you _offered_."

I pull you close and give you another kiss, but you shake your head.

"Uh, uh, uh. Don't start what you can't finish."

"Who says I can't?"

"This lovely breakfast that you've made us. It's getting cold."

"Mm hm." I lean in for a final kiss. "Spoilsport."

You chuckle. "Hypocrite."

"You know it."

I pour you some orange juice and sit down at the table. You put the flowers in water and carry the vase to the table, then plop yourself down on my lap.

"I can't eat when you're sitting like this, Alex."

"That's okay. I'll feed you."

I smile. "Thanks, but I'll pass."

"You don't trust me?"

"No. Should I?"

You giggle. "No."

* * *

I've gotten us tickets for a Broadway show tonight, one you've wanted to see for a long time, and I've managed to get us the best seats in the house – orchestra, eighth row, right in the center. What a perfect way to end a perfect day.

At intermission, at your insistence, I buy you a ridiculously overpriced package of chocolate strawberries. After all, it is your birthday.

After the show, we hold hands as we exit the theatre. "Should we get a cab?" I ask, but you shake your head.

"It's a nice night. We can walk."

"You sure? We can splurge on a cab if you like."

"I'm sure." You give me a smile and lean over to kiss my cheek. "Thank you for everything today, Liv. This is the best birthday I think I ever had."

"Because you're with me, of course."

"Of course." But I know you're serious, and I squeeze your hand, glad for the sentiment.

"And it's not over yet, baby." I raise my eyebrows at you, and you chuckle.

"I can't wait."

I hear the skid of tires on the pavement and instinctively push you slightly away from the curb, shielding you just in case.

Suddenly, the car pulls up beside us, and one of the windows open. _Oh, my –_

"Alex! Get down!" I throw my body over yours, ignoring your grunt of pain as you hit the pavement. I lay on top of you, shielding you. Doing what I should have done the first time this happened. I won't make the same mistake twice.

It all happens so quickly. A white-hot flash of pain sears through my side, and you scream. I think for a moment the bullet has grazed you, but no, it's definitely hit me.

"Alex, don't –"

"Liv, get up!" You start to squirm, struggling to throw me off you. "Liv, you're bleeding – oh, my God –"

I press down harder on you, pushing you further into the pavement and thwarting your efforts to roll us over even as I feel my body weakening, and fast. I can see the car still, and I won't let you make yourself a target. If they see you, I know they'll turn around and shoot you, too. "Alex, stay down."

"No, Liv – Liv –"

The car speeds away, and once I can no longer see it, I let you roll me onto my back and press your hand to my open wound. I vaguely note several scratches on your face from the pavement, and the tears streaking down your cheeks as your hand turns red with my blood.

"Oh, my God – Liv, stay with me, please. Oh, my –"

"Baby, I – I love you," I whisper. Then I finally surrender to oblivion, content with the knowledge that you're safe. That's all I need to know.

**Ah, an evil cliffie! Reviews make me happy. :)**


	17. Chapter 17

I wake up to find your face looking down at me, and it takes me a moment to realize I'm in the hospital. And _alive_.

"Oh, thank God," I hear you say, and you run out of the room. For a moment, I wonder where you are, but I guess you're going to get a nurse.

I vaguely realize I'm hooked up to a machine, with a needle in my arm, and my side has been stitched up. It's not bleeding anymore, which has to be a good thing.

You return a moment later with a nurse. "She's awake," you say, and the nurse smiles at me.

"How are you feeling, Ms. Benson?"

I groan at the pain shooting up my side as I try to roll over. "Like I've just been shot."

She checks my vitals and says she'll be back in an hour or so to check on me, and as soon as she leaves, your shell breaks and you abandon your façade, You climb onto the bed beside me, wrapping your arms around me and kissing my cheek. "God, Liv. I love you so much." Then you pull away and smack my arm, the one that isn't hooked up to anything. "You _idiot_. Don't you ever, ever do that ever again. If you_ ever _scare me like this ever again, being shot will be the least of your worries."

Your voice wavers slightly, and my stomach clenches as I realize how terrified you must have been, how horrible it must have been for you, and that you're just trying to disguise your fear with self-righteous anger. I remember what it was like when you were shot, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. "Baby, it was Velez's men. They were trying to shoot you. I couldn't not –"

You smack my arm again. "No, no, no. You did _not _need to take a bullet for me."

"Of course I did. My life isn't worth anything without you, Alex. I don't know what I would have done if this time they succeeded in killing you."

"Olivia, don't you think I feel the same way?"

"I know you do, baby, but I couldn't let them shoot you. I couldn't."

You sigh. "I know. You love me, and you wouldn't be the Olivia Benson I know and love if you didn't. But, Liv –" You give me one final smack – "if you ever do that to me again, I'll kill you myself."

I chuckle. "Are you done hitting me now?"

You pull me into a hug again and hold me close. "I love you so much, Liv."

My eyes focus on several scratches marring your face. "Alex –" I reach out to touch the marks. "You're hurt."

You snort, a sound I've never heard you make before, showing just how undone you truly are. "Oh, that's rich. The woman who just took a bullet for me is asking me if _I'm _hurt."

I smile weakly. "Alex, really, you need to get that looked at."

"Olivia, I'm fine." You hesitate. "You were right. They're going to come after me again. They're not going to stop until I'm dead. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I put you in danger. I just – I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. But tonight, I almost did."

I kiss the crown of your head. "Baby, maybe what Hammond said, about Witness Protection . . . maybe it's a good idea."

You sigh again. "It's your life, Liv. I'll do whatever I need to do to protect you."

I give you another kiss. "Alex, I promise, anywhere you go, I will follow. I'll never let you go."

"I know." You move my head so it's resting on your chest. I relax into you as you gently stroke my hair. "Maybe we are better off dead. For now."

"As long as we're together, it doesn't matter."

You shudder and hold me more tightly. "I know what it's like there, Liv. I felt so alone, always . . . I didn't know that you could go days without being touched or held or even spoken to. You always do all those things for me. Sometimes the house would be so quiet that I'd scream just to hear the sound of my own voice."

"Alex, I'll go with you. You won't be alone, I promise."

"Never?" you whisper, the vulnerability you've tried so hard to hide creeping into your voice.

I squeeze your hand. "Never. I promise. I will never, ever leave you."

"I'm just –" You look down at me, eyes wide with fear. "Liv, I'm _scared_," you admit.

I pull myself up into a sitting position, wincing at the pain.

"Liv, don't strain yourself –" you start to say, but I raise a hand to stop you.

"Shh. I'm fine. I want to hold you."

"Olivia, you've been _shot_."

"And it was worth it if it saved your life. Now are you going to let me hold you or not?"

You shake your head in wonderment. "You really do love me."

"If it took a bullet for you to realize that, we're got a problem, Alex."

You smile slightly. "No, it's just – you took a _bullet _for me."

"I always said I would. I meant it."

"I never expected you to actually _do _it."

"Alex, you're worth it. Even if I died, it would have been worth it."

You curl up against my side and I wrap you up in my arms, holding you tightly. I can feel your body trembling slightly in my embrace and I kiss the crown of your head. Then I remember something.

"I'm sorry all this ruined your birthday, sweetheart."

Your eyes widen and you give my arm a smack again. "Olivia! How can you even – God, this wasn't your fault, Liv. You took a bullet for me. You gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give, and I'm just so, so happy you're still here with me. I love you so much, Liv."

I pretend to rub my arm. "Then why do you keep hitting me?"

"Because I'm angry. You're an _idiot_, Olivia Benson. An absolute idiot." Then you smile shyly. "And you're my hero."

My heart melts. "Aw, baby, you're sweet."

"Says the woman who just took a bullet for me."

"You're never going to let me forget it, are you?"

"Olivia, I can't believe you're being so nonchalant about this. You were _shot_."

"I've been shot before."

"It's different." You swallow hard. "I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean for this to happen. I should have just listened to you instead of being so stubborn. I know you love me. I know you won't leave me. I know I shouldn't worry."

"Alex, I understand. It's okay. I'm fine, you're fine, we're going to be fine. I don't want you to worry or feel guilty about this, all right?"

You nod. "I'll try. I just – we came so close today, Liv."

"And we survived it. We're strong. Our love is strong. I won't let anything come between us again, Alex."

You give me a small smile, and for just a moment, I think you might believe me.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

You curl up beside me in the hospital bed, even though it's really too small for both of us, and when the nurse wakes me up to check my vitals again, you're still there. When the nurse leaves, you wrap your arms around me again and give me a kiss. "Should I call Hammond?" you whisper against my lips, the slight tremor in your voice making my heart clench.

I lean in to kiss you again, and you relax slightly at the contact. "Yeah, if the offer still stands."

You shiver and nod, picking up your cell phone and climbing off the bed. "I'll be back in a moment." You step out of the room and return a minute later, climbing onto the bed again and resting your head on my stomach. "Does that hurt?"

"No, it's fine." I gently rub your trembling shoulders. I know how much this is hurting you, how much it scares you, but it's the only way.

"Hammond will be here in an hour."

I press a kiss to your soft blonde hair. "Alex, are you sure this is what you want?"

You sigh. "No. But I have to keep you safe. We have to keep you safe. You need to be kept safe. And if this is the only way . . . I need to be with you, Liv. I don't know what I'd do without you. And if the only way is in WitSec, then we'll go."

"Okay." I thread my fingers through your hair. "Don't worry, baby. It's going to be all right. Hammond will take care of us, and I'll take care of you."

"Oh, Liv . . ." You swallow hard, your tone businesslike once again. "Hammond will pick up a few things from our apartment for us if we tell him to. We should make a list."

This is harder than I would have expected. What possessions are most important to me, to us? Should we bring practical things that we can use while we're on the road for a few days, clothes and shoes and toiletries, or should we bring mementos, photographs and things we'll never be able to replace?

We finally compile a list, mostly consisting of photo albums and other items of special significance. You're exhausted by the end of it and I see the tears welling up in your eyes, so I pull you into my arms again and stroke your silky golden hair. "Go to sleep, baby. I'll wake you up when Hammond's here."

You shake your head. "No. I don't – I don't want to leave you."

"Baby, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, and you're not going anywhere without me, I promise."

"But, Liv –"

"Shh, baby." I kiss your forehead. "It's okay. You're safe now. I won't let anyone hurt you."

"I know you won't," you say quietly, a tear making its way down your cheek.

I brush it away and give you another kiss. "I love you, Alex. I will _never_, ever leave you."

You sniffle. "I'm sorry, Liv." You wrap your arms around my stomach. "I'm being silly."

I sigh. "I understand why you're scared, baby, but you really don't have to be."

You burrow deeper into me and nod. "I know."

Within minutes, you've fallen asleep, and I let my mind wander. How will our absence be explained away? Will there be a funeral? Will it be anything like yours all that time ago?

I hope not. I remember your mother standing beside the casket that she didn't know was empty and weeping silently, still trying to retain that notorious Cabot composure. I remember going up to her, wanting so much to tell her not to cry, that you were still alive and safe and we'd see you again someday, but I couldn't. So I just swallowed hard, put a hand on her shoulder, and told her you were in a better place.

To my surprise, she turned around and pulled me into a hug, holding me tightly against her. "I know you loved my daughter," she whispered, "and even if I never said so, I've always thought of you as a second daughter as well." And that just about broke my heart.

I remember how your family crowded around your grave, standing somberly around your headstone and murmuring the prayer for the dead. I remember your little niece, with golden hair and big blue eyes just like yours, crying as she dropped a wreath of dandelions on top of the casket as it was lowered into the ground, because she knew she would never see her Auntie Alex again.

I remember sitting in one of the back pews, because I couldn't stand the feeling that I'd failed you and all these people in the room, these people who loved you and missed you nearly as much as I did, until your mother came up to me and put a hand on my arm. "You tried to save her, Olivia," she said. "You belong up front with the rest of her family." And my heart swelled as I followed your mother toward the front of the room, because she'd just referred to me as part of her, as part of _your_, family. I've always felt that way, baby.

I don't think your family would be able to take another funeral. I know your mother's long gone, but your older brother, his wife, your niece. She's twelve now, not the little eight-year-old that cried at your funeral so long ago, and while you were gone, I visited her every so often, just to see how she was doing, and to reminisce about you. To make sure she never forgot her Auntie Alex, and to watch her grow up. I look at the pictures of you at that age, and she's your spitting image.

We thought about having kids, once. We had that discussion so many years ago, and decided that it was too early, and we would wait and revisit the issue in a few years. If only we'd realized that our time together was limited, that we wouldn't have the forever we dreamed of.

But now we will. I'll make sure of it. I'll follow you wherever you go, just as I know you'll follow me.

**Review for chapter nineteen!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I freely admit that I have little idea how the actual Witness Protection Program works, and this isn't meant as an accurate representation of events leading up to and occurring during a witness' relocation. Even though in real life, Alex and Olivia probably wouldn't qualify for Witness Protection, and things definitely wouldn't happen this fast, this is **_**fiction**_**, so I've taken liberties.**

Hammond arrives half an hour later, glancing nervously around the room as he enters and sits down on the chair. I press a kiss to your forehead in an attempt to wake you, and you stir in my arms, unconsciously burrowing closer to me.

"Baby, Hammond's here," I whisper against your lips, kissing them lightly and then moving to kiss your cheek as your eyes drift open.

You sit up beside me, taking your glasses from the bedside table and putting them on. "Good morning, Agent Hammond," you say politely.

He nods. "Ms. Cabot." He looks at me. "Detective Benson."

You sigh. "Look, Hammond. Liv's been shot. As you see. We've decided that the safest way to do this might be Witness Protection."

"Is this really what you want, Ms. Cabot? If I recall –"

"No, it isn't. But I can't lose Liv. They're going to come after us again, and next time, we might not be so lucky."

He sighs, too. "And you're not going to change your mind again?"

You smile slightly. "I don't think Olivia will let me." Then your tone becomes serious again as you hand him our list. "We need you to pick up these things from our apartment."

"When is Detective Benson being released?"

"Today. She's stable. The bullet just grazed her, thank God."

"Fine. So I'll go back to your apartment, pick up your things, and we'll get out of here. We'd better get a move on before Velez realized his guys missed you completely and only nicked your detective."

You swallow hard and nod. "So is it all taken care of?"

"Yeah. We'll issue the two of you new birth certificates and driver's licenses over the next few days. The two of you can keep your own first names and we'll find you a last name to go by."

"Are we – are we dead, officially?"

"Officially, yes."

I sit up in bed, wincing at the pain in my side. Even if the bullet didn't hit any vital organs, it still hurts like hell. "Will you tell Elliot and the other detectives? They'll keep it to themselves – I just don't want them to think both of us are dead."

Hammond sighs again. "Only the detectives, that's it."

"Of course."

You slip your hand into mine, and I feel you trembling. I caress your hand, but your shaking still doesn't abate.

"So where are we going?" you ask Hammond after a moment.

"That's classified."

You roll your eyes. "You haven't figured it out yet?"

"Ms. Cabot, you haven't really given me much notice here."

"Why don't you just send me back to one of my pre-established identities?"

"It doesn't work that way."

"Why not? That would save you a lot of time and paperwork."

"You're going back to Wisconsin. Not to Appleton – probably to Glendale. We expect to have things ready for you by the time we arrive – you won't need to stay at a temporary safe house. We'll leave in a couple hours, spend the night in a hotel, and get there sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"It's a long drive," you tell me quietly. "Fifteen hours. Well, maybe thirteen with the way he drives."

Hammond rolls his eyes. "I want you to get Detective Benson's discharge papers and instruction for her care. I don't want her dropping dead when we're on the road. I'll inform the hospital staff that we're going to keep your locations under wraps, and I'll be back in two hours with your belongings. Be ready to go by then." With that, he gets up and leaves.

I see something flash in your eyes, but you quickly mask the emotion and give my hand a squeeze. "We're really going," you say, and I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I kiss the crown of your head. "Yeah, we are. Both of us."

* * *

Hammond returns a couple hours later with a gym bag, presumably full of our belongings. "Let's go," he says shortly, and looks at me. "Do you need help or can you manage?"

"She's just been shot, Hammond," you snap, and climb out of the bed, walking over to the other side and taking my hand with one of yours and wrapping your other arm around my shoulder. "Lean on me, Liv."

I squeeze your hand hard as pain shoots through my side, but you help me to my feet and hold onto me, helping me brace myself so I don't fall. We walk with some difficulty to the car Hammond has waiting for us, and you help me get settled in the back seat before climbing in beside me.

"Are you okay, Liv?" you ask once we're safely in the car and on our way, flanked by another group of marshals. The windows are tinted so no one can see in, and I'm convinced that for now, this is the safest place for us.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It just hurts a bit. Don't worry, Alex."

As we pull out of the parking garage, I see that the sky is dark and realize it must be the middle of the night. The safest time to travel, of course, but I haven't even checked my watch since we woke up. Time doesn't matter as long as I'm with you.

You move over to the middle seat and lean on the side that isn't bandaged, resting your head on my shoulder. "When it gets light, we're going to stop at a hotel. Probably in Ohio. The first time, we got all the way to Illinois, but it's after ten, so I don't think we'll get to Illinois in eight hours."

You're still trembling, and I gently stroke your hair in an attempt to calm your body. "Sweetheart, go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up. It's going to be a long ride."

You lay your head in my lap and slide back to the other seat, curling up on your side and closing your eyes. I keep running my fingers through your hair, and within moments, you've fallen asleep, worn out from the physical and emotional demands from our day.

* * *

I fall asleep too, and Hammond wakes us around 5:30 the next morning. Sure enough, we've arrived at a small, shady-looking motel in the middle of Berea, Ohio. "_This _is where we're spending the day?" I can't help but ask, and you chuckle.

"I know it's not our usual five star accommodations, Liv –"

"Hey, I don't mind. I just thought you might."

A small smile graces your lips. "True, I've never stayed somewhere quite so . . . run down."

"I find it rather . . . quaint," I say, winking at you.

"Not quite quaint. Shabby. Derelict, perhaps."

"What can I say, Alex? The federal government is cheap."

You grin and get out of the car, then help me to my feet. "Lean on me. We've got a room on the first floor. I'll help you."

I let you lead me to our room, which doesn't look too nice, but that's not important. Sure, the blankets are moth-eaten and the carpet is worn and the walls are stained, and I'm sure it's not perfectly sanitary, but I'm with you, and we're safe. That's what matters.

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

You help me lie down on the bed in the room, wrinkling your nose at the pungent odor emanating from the blanket. "I'm going to clean up your side, Liv."

"Alex, I'm –"

"No, Liv, you're not fine. The nurse said I had to clean it every morning and every night so it won't get infected."

"It just grazed me."

You pretend you haven't heard me. "And you've got to take your medication, too. Here." You hand me two painkillers and a water bottle. "Drink."

I make a face, but take the pills. "Fine. But be quick about it."

"Yes, boss. Stay still. I don't want to hurt you."

You remove the bandage covering the wound and suck in your breath for a moment before catching yourself and arranging your face into a mask of impassivity, and carefully applying the ointment the doctor's given us. It stings, and I can't help but whimper a few times, but I try to stay still as you've asked. Even through the pain, I don't want to make this any more difficult for you than it has to be.

After several agonizing moments, you wrap a new bandage tightly around the wound and gently pull my shirt back down. You sit up on the bed beside me, and I see that your face is paler than usual, but you're trying to be strong for me, and I don't comment.

Hammond and two other agents are in the rooms adjacent to ours, and the walls are paper thin. I can hear one of them blowing his nose, sounding more like an elephant trumpeting than a human being. I glance at you in amusement and you raise an eyebrow. We both laugh, and the tension is broken. You carefully wrap your arms around me and I curl up beside you. "I love you," you whisper, pressing a kiss to my temple.

I smile. "Love you, too, baby." I look up at you and raise an eyebrow. "Now what's the likelihood that they have room service in this establishment?"

"Pretty slim. This isn't the Waldorf, Liv."

"So I see you've lowered your standards."

"I don't think the government's going to spring for the Ritz-Carlton, Cleveland, no matter how nice it would be."

I chuckle. "But we all know that's what you're used to."

You lightly smack my arm. "Excuse me? You're the one who's been complaining about our accommodations."

"Who, me? I'm just happy we've made it this far."

You smile at me, and a moment later, we hear a knock on our door. I reach instinctively for my gun and start to panic when I realize it's not there, then relax when Hammond says, "It's me. I have breakfast."

I start to get up, but you push me back down. "Don't move. I'll get it." You open the door for Hammond and roll your eyes at his dress suit. "Could you look any more like a cop if you tried?"

He hands you two Starbucks bags. "Yeah, I probably could." He turns to me. "You handle this all day, every day? You must be a saint, Detective."

I hold my arms out to you and you glare at Hammond for a moment before flouncing back to the bed and curling up in my arms. You hand me one of the bags.

"What did he get?" you ask.

"Bagels."

You make a face. "Why didn't you ask us what we wanted?"

"Excuse me, but I'm not your personal assistant, Ms. Cabot. My job is to get you safely to Wisconsin and hopefully your girlfriend will take care of you so I don't have to."

"It's your job to –"

"Baby." I kiss your lips to silence you. "Calm down. You like bagels."

"Calories. I don't want to have one."

I resist the urge to tell you that you don't need to worry about calories. "Then you don't have to have one. I have some crackers I stole from the hospital if you like."

"I'll be back in a few hours," Hammond says, and closes the door behind him.

I know you're just snapping at everyone because you're tired and you're stressed, so I don't say anything except, "What would you like to eat?"

You scowl. "I'll have the bagel." You take it out of the bag and start to cram it into your mouth, barely even chewing it.

I take the half-eaten bagel from your hands and hold it out of your reach. "Baby, slow down. You're going to choke."

You glare at me and grab the bagel again, shoving another piece into your mouth and starting to cough. I pat your back until you're breathing normally once more.

"I'm not hungry anymore," you say softly.

I wrap my arms around you. "Okay, sweetheart. You don't have to eat any more."

"I wasn't _asking _you."

I choose to ignore that and eat the rest of your bagel as well as my own.

"I'm sorry, Olivia," you say after a moment. "I'm just . . . tense." You look up at me, your eyes imploring, begging for understanding. "It's so quiet in Wisconsin, Liv."

My heart breaks for you, and I caress your cheek with the pad of my thumb. There isn't anything for me to say, so I try to comfort you with my touch, hoping that it will help but knowing that we've got a long way to go.

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


	21. Chapter 21

As soon as the sun sets, Hammond herds us into his car and we start off again for Glendale, Wisconsin. Hammond doesn't speak except to tell us that we'll be arriving in eight hours, and there's a modest two-storey, two-bedroom house waiting for us when we get there, fully furnished and everything.

"How did that happen?" you ask.

"I made a phone call," is all he says, and you shrug, leaning into my uninjured side.

I wrap my arm around you and kiss your hair. "A real house sounds nice. I've never lived in an actual house before, you know."

"Houses are overrated," you say with a sigh, and your eyes glaze over. Suddenly, you're no longer here with me, but miles away. Back in New York.

I give your shoulder a squeeze. "A backyard. I always wanted a backyard."

You sigh again and bury your face in my chest. I stroke your hair, and we sit in silence for the rest of the ride.

When we reach a sign that says _Welcome to Glendale_, you start to tremble, and nothing I do seems to calm you. I hold you tightly, but your body continues to convulse in my arms.

Finally, we pull into a driveway in front of a small, old-fashioned looking house with an expansive backyard. There are yards of green grass and trees, and they're all ours. It's true – I've always wanted a backyard, and now I have you to share it with.

Your hands are shaking so hard that you're having difficulty undoing your seatbelt, and after a moment of watching you struggle, I gently take your hands and unbuckle the belt myself.

"It's small," you say in as strong a voice as you can muster.

I step out of the car and give you a smile, holding open the door for you. "Cozy."

You smile back slightly. "Quaint."

"Picturesque."

"You two get settled in," Hammond says from the driver's seat. "The key's under the mat. I'll be by tomorrow and we'll talk about your employment."

"I look forward to it," you say dryly, and Hammond drives away.

Your trembling intensifies as you look up at the house before us. I wrap an arm around your shoulders, but you shrug me off.

"Don't, Olivia."

"Alex –"

"Just don't."

You stalk toward the house, pulling the key out from its hiding place and going inside. I follow, but by the time I get inside, you're halfway up the stairs. You're right, though – Wisconsin is quiet. All I can hear is the wind whistling outside and your barely suppressed sobs coming from the upper level.

* * *

Instead of going to you and trying to provide whatever comfort I can, I decide to give you some time alone and explore the house. It's furnished, as Hammond promised, and it's not as small as it looks from the outside. The backyard is huge, and I think of all the things we can do with it – we can build a deck, or a gazebo, or even put in a pool. We can plant flowers or trees or even grow our own food if we're so inclined.

"Liv."

I jump at the sound of your voice and turn to face you. Your eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, and you're still shaking, even through the sweater you've put on.

I hold my arms out to you, but you shake your head, stepping up beside me and staring out at our new backyard through the screen door. You've made it clear that you don't want me to touch you, so I don't, and I stand a careful distance away, even though all I want to do is wrap you up in my arms and hold you until Velez is dead and we can go back home. I know that being here, even with me, is bringing back horrible memories, and I don't want to make things any worse for you. I don't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable.

"It's nice," you say, almost distantly.

"It is nice. We could put in a pool, if you like. Or we could build a deck. And we can plant some flowers. That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

You nod, still staring outside, your eyes glazing over.

"Do you want to show me our room?"

"No."

I smile slightly. "Okay, then. I'm going to go see it myself. If you're up to it, we can do a grocery shop today. Hammond didn't leave us any food. Otherwise we can just order takeout."

I take your lack of response as acquiescence and start up the stairs to see our bedroom. It's large, painted light blue, and there's a queen sized bed in the middle of the room. It's nice enough. Our new home definitely meets my expectations, and if you weren't so anxious about being back in Wisconsin, I think it would meet yours too.

Satisfied with our accommodations, I go back downstairs, and find you standing exactly where I left you, still looking outside. I force myself not to walk over to you and give you a hug, knowing it will startle you and you won't appreciate the contact right now. Instead, I stand beside you and say quietly, "Do you want to come sit in the living room with me?"

You shake your head. "I'm going out for a walk."

"May I come with?"

"No."

I sigh. "Okay. Call me if you need anything. The GPS on your phone is working, right?"

"I'll find my way. Don't worry about me."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know. Later."

"Do you want me to go grocery shopping?"

"I'm not hungry."

"But you might be when you get back."

You shrug. "Go if you want to."

"Okay." I lean over to give you a quick kiss on your cheek. "Love you, baby." You stiffen at the touch, and I step back. "I'll see you later."

I feel your eyes on me as I grab the keys to the car. It's old, definitely not what you're used to, not a luxury model or a sports car, but it'll do. I find the address for the nearest grocery store and start off, trying not to worry about you. I know you wouldn't want that.

**Review for chapter twenty-two!**


	22. Chapter 22

When I return two hours later with groceries, you're still not home. I put away the groceries and, not knowing what else to do, sit down on the couch in the living room and turn on the television, aimlessly flipping channels in an attempt to keep my mind off you. Another hour goes by, and when you aren't back, I can't help but worry. I try to call you, twice, but it goes straight to voicemail.

I get up and start to pace around the living room. I know, logically, that nothing's happened to you. Velez and his henchmen think we're both dead, and I know you wouldn't do anything to put yourself in danger. You're too smart for that. But you're not answering your phone, and I can't help my concern. It's because I care about you, because I love you, more than anything. I don't know what I'd do if you were taken from me again.

Dinnertime comes and goes, and I briefly consider going out to find you, but quickly discard that idea. I have no idea where you might be, so looking for you blindly isn't going to help. But if I just stay here and wait for you, I think I'll go crazy.

Just as I'm about to go out and search for you, the door opens and you come into the living room. "Baby, where were you?" I ask, unable to prevent some of my anger from seeping into my voice.

You glare at me and plop down on the couch, still managing to appear graceful as you do so. "Out."

"Yeah, I figured that. Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"It died."

"Why didn't you charge it?"

"Gee, Olivia, I guess I must have forgotten to pack the charger with all the _time_ we had to organize our stuff before we left New York."

I sigh and sit down beside you. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. I was just worried, baby."

You stiffen and move away from me on the couch. "New York is a heck of a lot more dangerous than Glendale, Wisconsin."

"I know. It's just, Velez –"

"Do _not _mention that man's name ever again, Olivia," you snap, and with that, you jump to your feet and run from the room. I hear your footsteps retreat up the stairs and run a hand through my hair, wondering what I've done wrong, and how I can fix this.

* * *

I watch television for awhile, then I make dinner. I go upstairs to bring you some on a plate, but you don't answer when I knock on our bedroom door, and when I try to go in anyway, I find the door locked. "Alex, baby, can I come in?" I ask, but you don't answer. I listen hard and hear the television running very quietly, which brings me to the conclusion that you're hearing me just fine, and are simply choosing to ignore me. "I have dinner," I try, but you still don't say anything. "I'm leaving it here."

When I still don't get a response, I sigh and go back downstairs, and resign myself to sleeping on the couch.

* * *

I wake up in the middle of the night to find you sitting on the armchair across from me, wrapped in a blanket and watching me, your eyes glazed over as they've been for most of the day.

I sit up on the couch, wincing at the pain in my side – I didn't change the bandage last night, and it's hurting a bit, but I push that aside as I pull myself upright and lock my eyes onto yours. "Alex," I say quietly, "are you okay?"

You keep staring, not at me, but at something I can't see that appears to be a few inches to my right. "I didn't want to, Olivia," you say in a monotone. "I didn't want to do it."

"You didn't want to do what, baby?"

"Sleep with him. I didn't want to sleep with him."

I sigh. So that's what all this is about. "I know you didn't, Alex. It's okay."

You pull the blanket more tightly around your shoulders. "I don't want to be here. I can't stop thinking about him. About all of them. Those men – inside me, just because – because I wasn't strong enough."

I swallow hard. "Sweetheart, you're the strongest person I know."

"But I let him – the claims adjustor, he was – I woke up in the morning with him, so many times, wishing he was you. And those other men – I went to bars, brought them home with me, just because I missed you so much, and I couldn't – I just couldn't."

"Alex, I'm here with you. You're never going to be alone again, I promise."

You bow your head. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

"For what, baby?"

"I've been really nasty to you today. I just – I don't want you to touch me."

"Then I won't. All you have to do is tell me, Alex. You've got to communicate with me, baby. I love you so much – I don't ever want to hurt you, but you have to tell me what I shouldn't do."

"I feel . . . dirty. Being back here. Remembering everything I did."

"Baby –" I want so much to hold you, but I know I can't. You've just said that you don't want to be touched, so I won't. I stop and try again. "Alex, that was a long time ago. I know you didn't want to, and I know it wasn't you. You don't have to feel bad about that, okay?"

"I cheated on you, Olivia."

"No, you didn't, sweetheart. Emily did. But Emily never knew me." I hold your gaze. "Alex, we're starting fresh here. We're together, and we're safe. I love you and I'm not going anywhere." I give you a gentle smile. "You're my girl."

Your face crumples, and before I know it, you're beside me, your arms wrapped tightly around my neck. You bury your face in my shoulder and I feel your tears wet my shirt, but I don't say anything. I hold you and kiss your hair, gently rubbing your back and allowing my body to finally relax. You're in my arms, where you belong, and that's all that matters. The rest, we can sort out later. For now, you're here and I love you and you're letting me be close to you. That's the important thing.

**Review for chapter twenty-three!**


	23. Chapter 23

When I wake up the next morning, the house is silent and you're no longer in my arms. My heart starts to pound and I take a deep breath to calm myself as I get to my feet. You've probably gone out for another walk. I can almost hear your voice in my head, chastising me for my concern. _I'm not a child, Olivia. I'm allowed to go out for a walk if I want to. _Which is true, of course, but that isn't going to stop me from worrying.

Pain shoots through my bandaged side as I take a few steps. I want to do a more thorough search of the house, just in case, but my wound is hurting too badly for me to move, and I sink back into the couch in resignation. I guess I'll just have to wait for you. There's nothing more for me to do.

After a few moments, I hear the door open and your footsteps approach, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. You're home, and everything's okay.

You pad into the living room and sit down beside me, offering me a shy smile as you hold out a cup of coffee and a muffin you've picked up from Starbucks. "I brought food."

I take the food and set it on the coffee table, pulling you into my arms and kissing your hair. I can't help it; I'm too grateful for your presence not to take advantage of your closeness.

You rest your head on my chest for a moment, and then your brow furrows as you sit up again. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Alex." I bury my face in your hair again, inhaling the fading scent of your vanilla shampoo. "I just love you, that's all."

"I love you, too, Liv." You pick up the coffee from the table and hand it to me again. "It's getting cold."

I obediently take a sip. "And that would be why I love you so much. Because you bring me fuel in the morning."

You giggle and lean back against me. "That sounds about right."

I pick up the muffin and offer you a bite, but you shake your head.

"I already ate."

"What did you get?"

"_Olivia_." You glare at me for a moment, then sigh. "I wasn't hungry."

I kiss the crown of your head and resist the urge to force you to eat half of my muffin. "Okay." I take another sip of coffee and a bite of the muffin. "Thanks for bringing me breakfast, Alex."

"My pleasure," you say with a smile.

"When's Hammond coming over?"

"In a few hours. I'm guessing he'll have secured employment for us, or at the very least found us a few options."

"So you mean we won't get to lie around here all day?" I say in mock dismay.

You smile and kiss my cheek. "Nine to five jobs, Liv. It won't be so bad."

I try to swallow the worry bubbling inside me at the thought of being away from you for eight hours every day. I know it's irrational – I've been away from you a lot longer in New York, when you had to go up to Albany to argue a case, when I was working a twenty-four hour shift after we caught a missing child's case, when you went up to East Amherst to visit your mother and I had to work. But we're a million miles from home and you're all I have. Velez might still be after you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

"What did you do in Tennessee?"

You roll your eyes. "I was a librarian."

I chuckle. "With those sexy glasses of yours – yup, definitely a librarian."

You give my arm a light smack. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

I kiss your hair. "Would Hammond let us work together?"

You shake your head. "I don't think it works that way, Liv."

I rest my chin on your shoulder, unable to express my sentiments without upsetting you. I know you'll just tell me I'm being overprotective, and I know in my head you'll be right, but I don't want to leave you ever again, even if it's just for eight hours to a boring desk job.

"Liv, I'll be fine. Really. It's only eight hours, and you can call me a hundred times during the day if you like. But we do need to work, and Hammond isn't going to let us work together. And it's probably safer that way, anyway."

I sigh and give you another kiss. "I know, baby. I just don't want to leave you."

"Olivia, you're not. You're going to work. We did that in New York every single day."

"But we're not in New York. We're here, and I want to be with you. I love you, Alex."

"I know you do, Liv, and I love you too." You smile slightly. "You'd get tired of me if we spent every minute together."

"Never."

"Oh, yes, you would."

"Can we _ask _Hammond at least?"

"Sure you can, but I already know what his answer's going to be."

"I don't want to be without you, Alex, even for just a few hours."

You look into my eyes. "Olivia, I promise you, I can take care of myself. But if you want, we can get lunch together, or you can call me, or whatever will make you feel comfortable."

"I know you don't like it, but I worry. I can't help it."

"I know. You wouldn't be the Olivia I know and love if you weren't always worrying about me."

I press a kiss to your temple. "I'm sorry. I know it bothers you, but I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you, Alex. You're my whole life, especially now."

I feel you shudder in my arms, and you say so quietly that I barely hear you, "That's what I'm afraid of."

I start to gently rub your back. "Why are you afraid of that, sweetheart?"

You duck your head, refusing to meet my eyes. "I took you away from everything you know and care about, Liv. I took you away from your job, away from Elliot, even away from your mother's grave. And what if someday I'm just not enough?"

"Alex, you will _always _be enough. Always. I love you more than any of that, more than all of it put together. I have you and that's honestly all I need." I smile a bit, trying to lighten the mood. "For as long as you'll tolerate my over protectiveness, that is."

"Liv, it's a big responsibility, to be the one thing keeping you away from all that you know."

"No, Alex. _Velez _is keeping _us _away from what _we _know. And you will _always _be enough for me. I can live without Elliot, I can live without SVU, but I will _never _be able to live without you. You don't need to feel like you don't deserve whatever it is, whether it's me or my love or my presence, because you're enough for me, just the way you are. You don't have to 'earn' anything, Alex. I won't leave you. I love you, no matter what, and wherever you go, I will follow. I promise, baby."

"I know that, in my head," you say softly. "I know you love me and I know you're not going anywhere. You've told me enough times, and I know that's why you try to take care of me so much, why you're so overprotective of me . . . but Liv, I've ruined almost everything you had. I know how much your job means to you, and how much you love the city, and Elliot is your best friend –"

"And Alex, I don't care about any of that. You are my true love. You're my Alex and I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I would give up anything for you, even my job, even my friends, even my home, because you're worth it. I love you and I want to be with you, no matter where you are, no matter what I have to let go. And someday, hopefully someday soon, Velez won't be a threat anymore and we can go home. But until then, I'm more than happy to stay here with you."

You sigh and rest your head on my shoulder, closing your eyes. I absently caress your sides, your stomach, your arms. You gradually relax into my embrace, but we've had this conversation before and I know we're going to have to have it again. But I mean what I said before, baby. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you here with me, because I love you, and you're all I need.

**Review for chapter twenty-four!**


	24. Chapter 24

We sit there together for an hour or so, and as the clock turns to noon, you start to tremble in my arms. No matter how tightly I hold you, your shaking doesn't stop. "Hammond's going to be here any minute," you say quietly. "He might want us to change our names again, our first names."

"Baby, he said we only had to change our last ones."

"He might have changed his mind." You shake your head as if to drive a particularly disturbing thought from it. "I hated being Caroline, and Emily. I hated lying in bed with that man, that man who wasn't you, and letting him stroke my hair, and his hands were too rough, too large. They weren't soft like yours, they didn't fit into mine, and I tried to move away, but I couldn't, because he was in my bed, and he thought I was his girlfriend, and he would whisper in my ear every night, 'Emily, I love you, Emily.' Emily, Emily, Emily, always Emily, never Alex. I wanted to hear my name, my real name, so badly."

I kiss the crown of your head and do all I can do now. I lean down to whisper in your ear, "Alex, Alex, I love you, Alex," and you smile slightly. "Baby, even if he makes us change our names, you'll always be my Alex. I'm never going to let you forget who you are, who we are, okay?"

"Okay," you whisper, taking my hands in your icy ones and squeezing tightly.

A moment later, there's a knock on the door, and your trembling intensifies. You hold my hands even more firmly, so much that your hold nearly cuts off circulation, but I don't say anything except, "It's Hammond, sweetheart. Let's go get the door."

You slide off my lap and help me to my feet. I can't help but wince at the pain that shoots through my side at the sudden movement, and your eyes widen as you notice. "Liv, are you okay?"

"Yeah, it just hurts a bit."

"Oh, my God, I forgot to change the bandage last night like I was supposed to. I'm so sorry, Liv. I'll do it now. I'm sorry. The doctor said –"

I bring one of your hands to my lips and kiss it in an attempt to calm you. "Shh, baby, it's okay. You can do it when Hammond leaves."

"No, Liv, you're in pain. And the doctor said to change it twice a day. I'm so sorry I didn't do that for you. I don't want it to get infected. I don't want you to be hurt."

"Baby, I'm fine. Really." I purse my lips as another wave of pain washes over me. "Come on. Let's get the door."

You wrinkle your forehead, but after a moment you sigh and obediently follow me to the front door.

Sure enough, it's Hammond, and I undo the three bolts and the lock to let him in. He glances around before following us inside, to the living room.

You're still shaking as Hammond sits down on the armchair across from the couch, and I try to wrap my arms around you, but you pull away, scooting to the opposite end of the couch. I don't say anything, figuring that you're trying to show Hammond that you're strong, that you're okay, that you don't need me as much as we both know you do. That's fine. I'll let you put on that façade if that's what you feel you need to do.

"So what's happening?" you say with no preamble.

Hammond sighs. "You know, I was going to ask you how you're settling in, but I forgot how much you dislike small talk."

"That's not why you're here."

He rolls his eyes and reaches across the coffee table to hand me a file folder. "Don't lose this. Birth certificates, health cards, drivers' licenses, other ID. I made duplicates for you. Keep one copy in your wallet and one in a safe in the house."

I open the file folder and examine our new identification. "So as of today, I'm Olivia Turner and you're Alexandra Rogers. We get to keep our names, sweetheart."

You shrug your shoulders slightly and lean into the armrest of the couch, curling your legs beneath you. I reach out to take your hand but you pull away, and I fold my hands in my lap instead.

"I've also found you potential employment opportunities. It's all in the folder."

"Thank you, Agent Hammond," I say.

He nods slightly. "How are you settling in?"

"Fine. Thank you for arranging all this on such short notice."

You glance at me and roll your eyes before turning away again, staring into the distance at something I can't see.

"How's everyone back in New York?" I ask him.

"They're all right. Don't worry about your squad, Detective. Worry about yourselves."

* * *

After Hammond leaves, I decide it'll be a good idea to go shopping, get some clothes and stuff for the house. "You go without me, Liv," you say. "I'm not really up for a shop right now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure! You know what I like, anyway."

"Okay, baby." I kiss your cheek. "I'll be back in a few hours. Text me if you're going out, okay?"

"I'm not."

"Then we're good. I love you."

You sigh. "I love you, too, Liv."

I give you another kiss. "Do you want me to stay? I can go out tomorrow –"

"No, you go. I'm fine."

"Okay. See you in a bit."

* * *

I get back three hours later with eight bags full of new clothes and other necessities. I've bought you clothes a size smaller than you used to wear, because I know you've lost a lot of weight. That's something we're going to have to discuss, but not right now.

I find you in the living room, exactly where I've left you, sitting on the couch and staring listlessly out the window. I sit down beside you and wrap an arm around your shoulders. You flinch and pull away from me, then sigh as your eyes meet mine and you realize it's just me. "Sorry, Liv," you murmur.

"You okay, sweetie?"

"I'm fine," you say, sliding toward me and taking my hand in one of your cold, soft ones.

I kiss your hand. "I bought clothes. Do you want to see?"

You shrug and rest your head in my lap. "Later."

I gently stroke your hair. Your ribs are visible through your shirt, and I can see every bone in your spine. This is definitely a discussion we're going to have to have, sooner rather than later. "Are you hungry? I can make dinner."

"I already made something. It's in the oven. It'll be ready in half an hour."

"Thanks, baby. What did you make?"

"A casserole."

I grin. "You're just a regular suburban housewife, aren't you?"

You lightly swat my leg. "Excuse me?"

"No, no," I say quickly. "You're a professional, definitely not a housewife."

"Much better."

We sit in silence for a few moments, your head in my lap as I continue to run my fingers through your silky blonde hair. I can't help but think how lucky I am to be able to do this, to be here with you, to touch you so intimately, to have you so close to me. Years ago, I thought you were unattainable, so high above me, so beautiful and brilliant and sweet, and yes, wealthy too. I never imagined that you could ever love me, or that your family would accept me as they did and as they do. And then when you were gone, I spent months, even years, thinking I might never see you again, that we might never be together again. And now here we are, you and me, and we have each other. We always will.

As a timer goes off in the kitchen, you get to your feet. I hold onto your hand, not wanting to be apart from you right now, suddenly feeling a bit vulnerable. You smile slightly and shake your head at me. "Dinner's ready, sweetheart. Do you want it to burn?"

"Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't already," I say, ducking away from the swat you aim at my arm and chuckling. "Did you call the fire department and introduce yourself before you started? You know, just in case?"

You pout and flounce toward the kitchen. "None for you, then."

I follow you and set the table as you take the casserole out of the oven. You bring it to the table and glare at me.

"See, it looks edible, doesn't it?"

I smile and kiss your cheek. "It looks delicious. Thank you, baby."

You cut me a piece and put it on my plate. "Tell me if it's okay."

"Aren't you going to have some?"

"Not right now."

"_Alex_."

"_Olivia_."

I sigh and give up for now, taking a bite of the casserole. It's not bad, actually. "It's good, Alex. Are you sure you don't want some?"

"I'm sure." You get up from the table and take out a container to put the rest of the casserole in.

"Hey, aren't you going to sit with me?"

"If you stop nagging at me. Honestly, you're worse than my mother."

"Okay. I'm sorry, baby."

You sit down beside me at the table and I finish my meal in silence. Afterward, I help you clean up.

"If you want to go get changed into pajamas or sweatpants or whatever, I can put on a movie."

"Okay."

"Your clothes are in our bedroom."

You lean over to kiss my cheek. "Thanks, Liv."

You come into the living room after a few moments wearing a tank top and pajama pants. The clothes hang on your skeletal frame, and I wonder why I haven't noticed this before. I knew you'd lost some weight, and I just assumed that your clothes were a size too large, but this is too much.

Okay, time to confront it head on. You've never really appreciated beating around the bush, so I won't. "Alex, you're too thin."

You meet my eyes. "You bought me a size too big."

"Alex, they're size _two_. You used to wear size four. Now size two is too big for you. Alex, you've lost too much weight. You need to eat something."

"Olivia, I can't! I just can't. Leave me alone."

"Why can't you eat, Alex? What is it?"

You shake your head and turn away from me. "I'm going to bed."

"No. No, you're not." I grab your wrist and turn you back to face me. "Alex, we're going to talk about this. Sit down."

"Olivia, let go of me," you say in your iciest voice.

I look down and my face widens in horror once I realize what I've done. I immediately let go of your wrist. "God, Alex, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I – you know I'd never hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

You sigh, reflexively rubbing your wrist. "I know, Liv." You sit down beside me on the couch as I've asked. "I can't eat. That's what happens when I'm stressed. My body reacts physically. You know that, and I can't change it."

"I know, baby, but when a size two is too big for you, you've got a problem. Just tell me what I can do to help you, Alex. It hurts me to see you like this."

You drop your gaze. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

"Sweetie, I just need you to try for me. I'll make you whatever you want. I'll crush something up for you. I'll make you soup. I'll make you a smoothie. I'll make you anything you think you'll be able to eat. Anything, Alex. I'll – I'll make you banana cream pie!"

You shift uncomfortably. "I remember when I was in Wisconsin, the second week. I had my period, I had horrible, horrible cramps – I mean, I've always had cramps, but these ones were even worse than usual, and I needed someone to be there for me. I needed _you_. But you weren't there. I was in so much pain, I could barely get out of bed. I needed you to hold me, to make it better like you always do. But you weren't there." You shiver, then look back up at me. "And now I haven't had a period in nearly three years."

I try to hide my shock at that. Getting upset won't help either of us right now. "Alex, you know that's not healthy."

You hold my gaze. "Olivia, back then, it was about control. When I didn't eat, I was in control."

"That's called an eating disorder, Alex."

"I know. But that was the one thing I could control. And when I didn't eat, there was this voice in my head that said maybe I should, and every single time I defied that voice, I won. That was the only way I could win. And every time I ate, I lost. But now, it's not like that. I just physically can't eat anything. I get sick. It's just stress, Olivia."

"But Alex, it's not good for you. You can't go on like this. You need help."

"I don't need help. I just need you. That's all."

"And Alex, you'll always have me. I promise that I will never, ever leave you."

"Liv, just please don't push me. I can't eat right now."

"But sweetie, you have to. You're wasting away right in front of me, and I can't let that happen. I can't _watch _that happen to you. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you."

"I'm hurting you?"

"Alex, I just don't want to lose you again. And if you don't start eating again, that's what's going to happen. I love you too much, baby." I glance down at the purpling bruise on your wrist from where I grabbed you and turn away in shame. I didn't think I'd grabbed you that hard, but I must have. Or you just bruise more easily than you used to. Probably because you're barely eating anything. That's probably why you're always so cold, too. "I can make lemonade or something. Or we can get a protein shake, whatever flavor you like. Something you can drink instead of eat."

"I'll be sick."

"And I'll be here for you, and I'll hold you, and we'll keep trying until you can eat again."

You shake your head slightly. "That claims adjustor liked me thin."

"You are thin. You've always been thin. Now you're skeletal, Alex. You're still beautiful – I'll always find you so incredibly beautiful, no matter what – but baby, I'm worried about you. I can see every single one of your ribs. I shouldn't be able to do that."

You sigh. "It's not about that. It's not about losing weight. It never was. I know I look fine, and I know you'd love me even if I gained twenty or thirty or even forty pounds. That's not it. I just can't keep any food down."

I pull you into my arms. What I said before is true – you're definitely too thin. I can feel every bone in your body. "We're going to try, baby. We have to."

"I can't."

"Alex, do you love me?"

"Of course."

"And do you know that I love you?"

"Obviously. You wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Then we have to try. I promise we'll get through this together, baby. But we have to try."

Finally, I feel you give in. Your body slumps against mine and you rest your head on my shoulder. "Fine. I'll try. Tomorrow."

**Review for chapter twenty-five!**


	25. Chapter 25

In the middle of the night, I wake up to find you no longer beside me in our bed. I get up to go look for you, and I find you in our bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bathtub and holding the small bottle of Lunesta in your hand, turning it over and over in your palm and staring intently at it.

I sit down beside you, careful not to touch you, because I'm not sure if that's what you'll want. "You can take one if you need to, baby," I say quietly.

You flinch and your head snaps up, your widened, fear filled eyes meeting mine. "No."

"You can, Alex. You have to sleep."

You finger the bottle again, tracing your thumb around the cap. "I could take too many," you say in the monotone I've become so familiar with on nights like this.

I swallow hard, feeling my heart clench and then beat at twice its usual rate at your words. They terrify me, because you've just voiced my greatest fear. That you could do this, hurt yourself, without realizing what you'd be losing, what you already have, because I haven't shown you well enough. That it would be my fault. "You're not going to, though."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do," I say, even though in that moment I realize you're right, and I don't.

You hand me the bottle, averting your eyes from mine. "Put it somewhere. Lock it up. I don't want it."

I sigh. "Come back to bed, baby."

You shake your head. "I think I'll stay here for a bit."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

You look up at me for a long moment, mulling it over. "That would be good," you say softly, and I let out a breath I haven't realized I've been holding.

"Can I give you a kiss?"

You nod, and I lean over to kiss your cheek. You drop your eyes and wrap your bathrobe more tightly around your trembling body. The bathrobe is so large on your skeletal frame that it's almost as if you're drowning in it, and my heart aches for you.

"I'm going to put this away," I say, gesturing to the medication. "I'll be back in a minute. Do want a cup of tea? Or white hot chocolate?"

"Water would be good," you whisper, and I give you a smile.

"Coming right up."

You shiver and fold your hands in your lap, tucking your legs underneath your body. "Thank you, Olivia."

I go into the kitchen to get you a glass of water and throw the bottle of Lunesta into the garbage. I'm not comfortable having it in the house right now, and I know I'm not going to convince you to take a pill at night anyway. I'll do what I can for you without the aid of your medication.

I return to the bathroom and sit down beside you, handing you the glass of water. "Here, baby."

"Thank you," you say, taking a small sip.

We sit in silence until you finish the cup of water and set it down on the ground. Tentatively, you reach out to grasp my hand. I caress your hand with my thumb and you smile slightly.

"Have I told you recently how amazing you are? And how much I love you?"

I smile back. "Once or twice." Taking your words as permission, I slide closer to you and wrap an arm around your shoulders.

You lean into my embrace and I feel your body relax against me. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm just having a bad night.

I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shake your head.

"What can I do for you, Alex?"

"Just – just stay here. And maybe you can hold me?"

"Of course." I wrap my arms securely around you and kiss the crown of your head. "Better?"

You nod, and I see a tear slip down your cheek. "I'm so lucky to have you here with me," you say quietly. "I can get through this, with you."

I hold you more tightly. "Yeah, baby. We'll get through this together."

* * *

The next day, you bring me breakfast again, but this time I insist that you have something to eat too. "You can have half of my bagel or I can make you something or we can make something together or we can go out and buy you something, but you have to have something to eat, Alex."

You crawl up onto the bed beside me, your eyes suddenly bright and sparkling as they haven't for weeks. "We can make banana cream pie."

I chuckle at your obvious attempt at manipulation, but I can't bring myself to mind. "Sure. Do we have the ingredients?"

"I bought them this morning," you say with a sly smile.

"Okay. I'll meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes."

As you beam and kiss my cheek before starting toward the kitchen, I think I would do anything to keep that beautiful twinkle in your eyes. I've missed it so much.

* * *

Several hours later, the banana cream pie is ready and sitting on the table. I've cut you a small piece and taken one for myself, and you're moving it around with your fork.

"What's wrong, Alex? Did we not make it right?"

You shake your head and hesitantly take a bite of the pie. "It's good."

"I'm glad." I smile at the sight of you eating your favourite food, however reluctantly. It's almost like it used to be between us, years ago, baking together and sharing one of your favourite foods. You're eating again, and I can't even begin to express how relieved I am.

You take another piece and chew it slowly. "Thanks, Liv."

"For what, baby?"

"For the pie."

"You made it, mostly. I just did the crust."

You smile slightly as you put another piece of pie in your mouth. "And for last night, too. For everything. Just for being you. For staying with me and loving me no matter what."

"Of course I'll stay with you and of course I love you no matter what. You're my Alex." I smile back at you and reach out to take your hand in mine. "Do you want to talk? About last night, I mean."

You shrug and drop your eyes. "It would be so easy . . ." You trail off and try again. "It would just be so easy to have the pills, take one too many, wash it down with a glass of wine, go to sleep and just never wake up. But why would I even want that? I have you. I have everything. You're my everything, Liv."

I bring your hand to my lips. "You're my everything, too, baby. I love you more than I ever thought I could love a person." I meet your eyes, drowning in their clear blue depths, and say quietly, "You know, Alex, before I met you, I wasn't even sure that I knew how to love, and I definitely never thought I could love someone so completely, with all my heart, with my entire being. But you showed me I could. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Alex."

You give me one of those radiant smiles that make my heart melt, your eyes shining with absolute love. "I love you so much," you say, your voice choked with emotion.

I give your hand a squeeze. "I love you, too, baby. Always."

**Review for chapter twenty-six!**


	26. Chapter 26

We're curled up together later that day, lounging on the couch and reading. My feet are resting on your lap and you're massaging them, your hands working miracles on my arches. I've missed this, having the time to just lie down and read a book and have you give me a foot rub.

"Liv," you suddenly say, startling me away from my novel.

"Yeah, baby?"

Your eyes adopt that faraway look I've grown accustomed to. "When I was in Wisconsin, before, I volunteered at a woman's shelter." You hold my gaze then, your eyes focussing on mine. "It made me feel closer to you. To myself, really."

I feel my heart constrict and reach over to intertwine my hand with yours. I give yours a squeeze and feel you relax slightly.

"I'd like to do that again, with you. If you want to. Just to . . . to hold onto something, you know?"

Yes, I do know. Or at least I'm starting to. "I'd like that, sweetheart."

You give me a grateful smile, then say quietly, "I don't want to forget who we are."

I give your hand another squeeze. "I'll never let you forget who we are."

"I know." You hold my gaze. "You're with me. We'll be okay."

"Yeah, we will be." I lean over to kiss your cheek. "Someday, this will be over," I whisper against your soft skin.

You smile as my breath tickles your cheek. "Sooner rather than later, I hope."

I give you another kiss. "We're going to get through this together, Alex."

You go back to rubbing my feet, pressing your thumbs into them and making me close my eyes in pleasure. I never knew a simple foot massage could be so . . . stimulating. I can't help the low moan that escapes my lips at your touch.

You look up at me and smile in amusement. "_Yes_?"

"Nothing. That just feels nice."

You chuckle. "Glad you're enjoying yourself."

I reach out to thread my fingers through your hair as you continue to knead the arches of my feet. "I'm so lucky to have you," I whisper.

You press your lips to the top of my right foot. "Me, too, Olivia. And I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I do appreciate everything you've done for me. More than I can even express."

I gently lift your chin and kiss your cheek, trying to convey as much tenderness and love and affection as I possibly can.

You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take my hands in yours, gently caressing the sides of my thumbs. I give you another kiss and your eyes open, a tear escaping from one of those resplendent baby blues and slipping down your cheek.

"What is it, princess? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Another tear runs down your face. "Nothing's wrong. It's just – just –" You let go of one of my hands and wipe your eyes. "God, I'm sorry. Let's go out for a walk. Let's not talk anymore. Let's just go get some fresh air."

"Okay, baby." I kiss your cheek again and take your hands. "Come on." I help you to your feet. "Do I need a map or do you know where we're going?"

"I know my way. You're the one who always gets us lost."

"Oh, please. Remember when we were up at your parents' place and you insisted that we turn left when I knew we should have turned right and we ended up in the middle of nowhere?"

"That was actually your fault, because –" Your voice catches and I know it's just sunk in, that we're not going to be able to see your parents for a very, very long time. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have reminded you of your pain.

"I'm sorry, Alex."

To my surprise, you smile slightly and reach out to caress my cheek. "Say that again, Liv."

I smile back, relieved that there's something I can do for you right now. "Alex," I say again, tenderly, with as much fondness in my voice as I can put into it. "Alexandra Cabot, ADA extraordinaire." I wrap my arms around you and pull you close to me, holding you against my body and taking in the warmth of your skin. "You will always be my Alex," I whisper into your ear, and I feel your arms tighten around my waist as you bury your face in my chest, letting me hold you and accepting the comfort I want to give.

You take a moment to compose yourself, and once you pull away, there's a smile quirking your lips. "So did I massage your feet adequately enough for you to walk on, Liv?"

I chuckle and take your hand. "You did more than adequately." We step out the front door and start up the street. "I think you'll have to do that for me every day."

"No objection."

"So back to the topic at hand – do you know where we're going?"

You shrug. "The mall?"

"There's a mall around here?"

"A small one, but still, a mall. We can even get some food. I _know _you love the food court," you say, winking.

"New York fries?"

"Doused with poutine." You make a face.

"Oh, please. I know you love them just as much as I do."

"I do not!"

"Uh huh," I say with a knowing smile.

You lightly punch my arm.

I loop my arm through yours, partly so you won't hit it again. "So where's this mall we're going to?"

"A twenty minute walk or so."

I feel my heart skip a beat as an SUV turns onto our street. Your body stiffens and your eyes widen minutely.

"Liv –"

I quickly move to your other side so you're further from the curb. "It's fine, Alex," I say as the car passes us. "No one's going to hurt you, I promise."

You drop your eyes. "It's not me I'm worried about."

I take your trembling hand in mine and squeeze it tightly. "We're okay, Alex. We are."

You nod and don't say anything else.

We get to the mall, which isn't actually as small as I expected it to be. First stop is the food court, where we find a table and get a plate of French fries drowning in poutine. You wrinkle your nose at it, but after a few moments, you pick up a fry and bring it to your lips. You take a delicate bite, and I force myself not to smile. You're actually _eating_, without me forcing you to do so. I can't even begin to express my relief.

You finish off the French fry and take another one. "Disgusting," you say, quirking an eyebrow as you put that fry into your mouth, too.

"Sure," I say as you polish off half the plate.

**Review for chapter twenty-seven!**


	27. Chapter 27

When you've finished most of our French fries, you look up at me and cock your head to the side. "What?"

"Nothing." I gesture to the plate. "Want another one?"

You wrinkle your nose. "No. They're disgusting."

"Sure. That's why you finished the whole thing."

"Not the whole thing." You slide the plate containing seven wilted French fries toward me. "There are still some left."

"Yeah." I roll my eyes and pick up the plate. "I'm done. Want to go do some shopping?"

You eye me suspiciously. "You hate shopping."

"But you love it. And I love you."

"Aw, Liv. You're sweet."

I wrap an arm around your shoulders and give you a squeeze. "You know, I must really love you to suffer through an afternoon of shopping."

"I've never doubted that."

I kiss your cheek. "So, where are we going first?"

"How about Victoria Secret?" you say with a wink.

I swallow hard. "Sounds good," I say once I've got my voice under control.

You rest your head on my shoulder and smile knowingly.

The smile disappears a moment later as a man walks up to us with a grin on his face. "Emily!" he says, and I see your face go white.

"I'm sorry?" you say.

"Emily, you're here! They told me you'd died in a car crash." The man knits his brows. "You're alive! I thought –"

"I'm sorry, but my name is Alexandra. I'm not sure who you think I am, but I don't know you."

The man cocks his head to the side. "You sound just like her, though. Do you maybe have a sister, a cousin who looks like you? It's uncanny."

"I – I don't know anyone named Emily."

"I'm sorry." The man seems to deflate. "It's been a year. I see her everywhere, still. She was my girlfriend and she died in a car crash. I miss her."

There's a look in your eyes that I don't recognize, and in a soft voice that I've only ever heard you use with me, you say, "I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose someone close." You look at me, and I see the truth in your deep baby blues. The pain in your voice is real. "This is my girlfriend. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. And I lost her once. I can't imagine how much it would hurt if I ever lost her again." Your eyes meet mine before turning back to him. "I saw her everywhere, too."

The man smiles sadly. "I see Emily everywhere. But I'm never going to get her back."

You swallow hard. "I'm sorry," you say with sincerity in your voice.

He nods. "Well . . . thank you." He turns on his heel and walks away.

You let out a deep breath and lean against my side as soon as he starts up the stairs to the upper level of the mall. I drape an arm across your shoulders and kiss the crown of your head. "Are you okay, baby?"

You nod. "I – yes, I'm fine. He was – he's the claims adjustor I told you about. My ex-boyfriend, I guess." Your eyes meet mine, wide with pain and begging for understanding. "He was a good man, Liv. He cared for me, maybe even loved me. I cared for him, nothing more than that, but I did. Even though he didn't know me. I never thought about how Emily's death might have hurt him." You close your eyes. "What rotten luck we have."

I squeeze your shoulder and kiss your hair again. "Yeah," is all I say.

You sigh. "I don't understand, Liv. I'm confused. After I had sex with him, I – I felt so dirty. Because he wasn't you. He smelled different, felt different, didn't realize how much I just – how much I needed to be held afterward."

It hurts me to hear the quaver in your voice as you say that. I always held you after we made love because I was always grateful for the gift you'd given me, every single time. I knew how vulnerable it made you feel to let someone see you like that, with your defenses lowered, and I always wanted you to know how much I cherished you and the act we'd shared.

You cried the first time we made love, and I was terrified that I'd done something wrong, that I'd hurt you in some way. You were terrified I was going to be gone in the morning, and I promised I wouldn't be, but I don't think you believed me until I lay down on the bed and beckoned you to join me. When you did, I wrapped my arms around you and held you tightly, trying to create a cocoon of safety for you in my embrace. I pulled the covers over us and gave you a kiss, not one necessarily of passion, but one of reassurance, and affection, and the love that I felt but couldn't yet voice.

You curled up against my side and rested your head on my shoulder as your sobs turned to quiet sniffles. Those soft whimpers broke my heart, and I resolved never to do anything to make you cry ever again.

I held you in my arms for the whole night, and when you woke up in the morning and found yourself still cradled in my embrace, you cried again and apologized for doubting me. "I want to wake up with you every morning," you admitted in a voice so small I could barely hear it. No matter how soon it may have appeared, I told you that I wanted that too, because I did. I promised we would wake up together every morning after, and that I would never leave you.

I broke that promise once, but never again, baby.

"I'm sorry he didn't know, Alex. I'm sorry you felt dirty. It shouldn't be like that, you know it shouldn't be like that," I say now, gently brushing away the moisture pooling in your eyes.

You shake your head. "It wasn't his fault. I just couldn't tell him, and even when he hugged me, his arms were too big and not soft like yours, and his lips were too rough when he kissed me, and I just had to pull away, but he – he wasn't a bad guy, and he did care about me; he just wasn't you. And I needed you."

I give you another kiss. "And now you have me. I'll never leave you, Alex, I promise." I take your hand and give it a squeeze. "You ready to go, baby?"

You nod mutely and led me lead you out of the mall. I keep an arm around you and make sure to walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street this time. My heart aches with the pain you've endured, and I know I'm the reason you've found to carry on. It's a great burden to carry, but I will never fail you again. I will never again let you fall asleep beside a man who you don't love, who makes you feel dirty, who makes you cry in confusion. You're my Alex, and you deserve better than that.

**Review for chapter twenty-eight!**


	28. Chapter 28

When we get home, you tell me you need to go lie down. "Do you want me to come lie with you?" I ask, but you shake your head.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I just need to be alone right now."

I nod. "Okay, baby. I'm here if you need anything."

You smile weakly. "I know." You start up the stairs, then turn back to me, your eyes wide. "Liv, we start work on Monday."

"I know."

Your eyelids droop. "It's Saturday." You meet my eyes again. "Liv, I – I don't know if I can do this."

"You can, Alex. I know you can do this."

"I'm a kindergarten teacher. I don't know how to be a teacher! You're the one who's good with kids."

"You're good with your niece."

"Once a month, for about three hours."

I smile slightly. "Unfortunately, we didn't give Hammond a lot of time in which to find us suitable employment."

You sigh. "Why do _you _get to do something like what we used to?"

"Alex, I'm a security guard at the courthouse. Not a very glamorous job."

"No, but – look, I'm sorry. I'm just anxious."

I hold my arms out to you, and this time you walk into them and wrap your arms around me. I kiss your hair and you sigh again, burying your face in my chest.

"I'm sorry. It's just been a stressful day."

"You don't need to be sorry, Alex." I feel you relax slightly at the sound of your name and I give you another kiss. "Alex," I say again, and feel your body loosen even more.

"Liv," you say after a moment, "do you – do you miss Elliot?"

I hug you more tightly. "No," I say, and mean it. I don't miss anyone or anything when I'm here with you. You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed, the one thing I've spent my whole life searching for. Now that I have you, nothing else matters.

You raise your head and the look in your eyes is clearly skeptical. "Really?"

"Yeah." I plant a kiss on your lips and put a hand on the small of your back, guiding you to the couch and pulling you onto my lap. You let me hold you, leaning your head against my shoulder and closing your eyes as I cradle you in my arms.

"Liv," you say after several more minutes, "do you remember the first time we made love?"

I give you a smile. "Yeah, baby. I do." I press a kiss to the crown of your head. "It was perfect."

You smile weakly. "It was. Until I ruined it."

I tighten my arms around you in an attempt to protect you from your own words. "Oh, Alex, you didn't ruin it. Not at all."

"I don't think I ever apologized."

I decide not to mention that you did, twice, the next morning. "There's nothing to apologize for."

"Liv, I just feel bad. I feel like I've spent most of our relationship doubting you, and I shouldn't. You've never given me any reason to doubt you. You've followed me all the way to Wisconsin. You've always loved me; I know that. You've always taken care of me, more than anyone else ever has, even my parents, and I just – I'm sorry. I feel like I'm screwing all of this up, and I don't know how I can fix it."

I wipe away the tear that's running down your cheek. "Baby, I promise, you haven't screwed anything up. I know you feel like you have, and you feel like you need to fix it, but princess, I promise you haven't done anything wrong. And I think this is something we have to work through this together. You can't do this alone, Alex, and no one's asking you to."

"It's just – you've put so much into trying to help me, and trying to make things better for me, and I – I'm scared you won't be able to. I'm scared that once time goes by, once it's too late to just blame everything on the trauma of being shot, you'll see that this is just me, and I'm not who you think you fell in love with. I'm not as strong as you think I am, Liv, especially now. I'm scared that if I take my medication and start eating properly and start sleeping again, it just won't change anything, and I'll still be this broken _shell_, and I'll realize that's just who I am now, and nothing can change it, not Lunesta, not a therapist, not even you. And I don't like it."

I gently thread my fingers through your hair, trying to soothe the tears I hear in your voice before they fall down your face. "I think," I say slowly, "I see you a bit differently than you see yourself. And I wish you could just see yourself through my eyes, and see how amazing you really are. That's how I see you, Alex. That's what you are to me. You're not broken, not at all. I love you just the way you are."

"I wish I could see myself through your eyes," you whisper, dropping your gaze.

I hold you as close as I can, pressing a kiss to the base of your neck. "I'm not trying to fix you, Alex. There's nothing to fix. You're perfect just the way you are, baby. I'm not with you because I want to change you. I'm with you because I love you, for you. I love that you let me see you, the real you. That first time when we made love, even when you cried, and now – I'm glad you feel safe enough to share this, to share yourself, with me. I know it's not easy for you, and it makes me feel so special and so, so lucky that you trust me like this. You don't always have to pretend to be the strong one, Alex. It's okay to need me sometimes. It's okay to need comfort. It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be sad sometimes and not know why. You don't always have to have all the answers, baby."

You bury your face in my chest as I continue to run my fingers through your hair as your body starts to shake in my arms with the force of repressed sobs. You're still trying so hard to be strong and not cry, and you're choking back the tears that are threatening to escape. My poor baby.

"Just let it out, Alex," I say softly, kissing your hair. "Just let it out. I won't think any less of you, princess. You can cry if you need to, and I'll hold you. You're safe, Alex. You're always safe with me."

"I – I know," you whimper, wrapping your arms tightly around my waist, still trying to hold back your sobs. "I – I just –"

"Alex, just go on and cry. You'll feel better after. I'm here. I won't let you go, baby. I'm right here."

I feel your body abandon itself to me as the dam breaks and you finally start to cry, loud, gasping, wracking sobs that are almost like screams, your whole body trembling in my arms. I just hold you and gently rub your back. I know I can't take your pain away for you, much as I wish I could, but I can do this, at least, and soothe you in the aftermath. I don't know why you can't see how perfect you are, and who or what has told you in the past that you aren't, but to me, you're the most amazing woman in the world, and I intend to show you for the rest of your life how much I cherish you.

**Review for chapter twenty-nine!**


	29. Chapter 29

Once you've cried yourself out and your body has stilled in my arms, you take a deep breath and take my hands in yours, holding them to your chest as your sobs fade to soft whimpers and then barely audible sniffles. My heart constricts and I squeeze your hands. "It's okay," I whisper in your ear, pressing a kiss to your temple. "It's okay, Alex. We're okay."

You look up at me, your eyes large and glassy, imploring. "When I was little, I wasn't allowed to cry. My father hated it. He never wanted me to be weak."

I exhale deeply. That explains a lot, and I'm glad you're opening up to me. "Crying doesn't make you weak, Alex. I'm sorry your father told you that. When you're with me, you can _always _cry if you need to. Always."

"When I was five, my best friend moved away. My only friend, really, and I had a bit of a crush on her." You smile weakly through the moisture pooling once again in your eyes. "And I thought the world was ending. When she told me she was moving – she told me at school, and I told her I didn't want her to leave, and she said she had to, and I was crying, and I cried all the way through my nanny picking me up at school until we got home, and then I cried until my father got home, and he asked me what was wrong, and I told him Daniela was moving away, and he just _looked _at me, like he was _disgusted_. I tried to hug him, but he pushed me away and told me to stop being a baby. 'Cabots don't cry,' he said, especially not about something so silly. He thought it was _silly_. He told me to go to my room and stay there until I was ready to be a good girl. He didn't speak to me for almost two days after that."

I hold you close and kiss your forehead. "I'm sorry he did that, princess. I'm sorry he made you feel that like your feelings didn't matter. They do, Alex. Your feelings matter to me. I promise you, baby, it's okay for you to cry when you're with me. You are _not _weak, and being sad doesn't make you weak." I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm so proud of you, baby, and I'm _honored _that you trust me enough to share this with me."

You drop your eyes and play with a thread on your shirt. "Why are you so perfect?" you ask softly. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

I gently lift your chin and hold your gaze. "You're you," I say simply, and you burrow deeper into my embrace.

"I love you."

"Oh, Alex, I love you, too. I will always love you. You're my girl, and I feel so blessed that I can say that."

You wrap your arms around me with an intensity that makes my heart clench. "You're mine, too, Liv," you whisper into my shoulder.

I hug you back. "And that makes me the luckiest girl in the world."

* * *

That night, you won't sleep again. When I see your eyelids start to droop, I take your hand and start to lead you to bed, but you shake your head as a few tears escape your eyes. "I don't want to sleep, Liv." You drop your gaze. "I don't want to dream."

I feel my chest tighten at the obvious pain in your voice. "Baby, you don't have to sleep. Would you mind just lying down and letting me rub your back?"

You sigh, your body going limp. "That's fine," you say quietly, and let me lead you into the bedroom.

"Here, sweetheart. Why don't you get into your pajamas? I have something I think you'll like."

You sigh again and mechanically reach into the drawer to take out your pajamas.

I try not to feel an ache in my heart as I go into the washroom and grab the small bottle of lavender massage oil I bought earlier. I read that it can sometimes help insomnia, and even if it doesn't, it should feel nice. You deserve to be pampered, especially after the day we've had. You always deserve to be pampered.

I bring the oil back into the bedroom and set it down beside me on the bed, where you're sprawled out on your stomach, wearing pajama pants but no shirt.

I gently run my hands over your soft, smooth back, enjoying the feel of your skin under my fingers. I press a kiss to your shoulder blade and murmur, "I love you," against your milky flesh. I feel your body release some of the tension you've been carrying and give you another kiss. "You okay?"

You nod, and I uncap the small bottle of lavender massage oil and put a few drops on my right hand.

"Relax, baby," I whisper, starting to gently work the muscles at the base of your neck "Relax. Just let me take care of you."

You make a soft noise of contentment as I move my hands down your back, massaging with the lavender-scented oil and soothing your tense muscles. "Feels nice," you murmur. "Thank you, Liv."

I lean down to kiss your hair and continue to rub your back. You whimper slightly as I get to a particularly tight spot, kneading the coiled muscles. I can count the bones in your spine, but I don't comment – you had French fries today, after all. I hope you'll start gaining some weight soon. I will always find you incredibly beautiful, no matter what you weigh, but you do look sick. You are sick. It's not your fault, but you are.

I push away the thought and focus on bringing you as much pleasure and comfort as I can through the motion of my hands on your back. After awhile, you've relaxed into the touch, and I feel your muscles loosening beneath my hands. "Love you, Liv," you mumble.

"Love you, too, princess."

By the time I've finished massaging your back, your breathing has evened out and you've fallen sound asleep. I go to put away the bottle of lavender oil and when I return to the bedroom, I don't even put your shirt on for you, not wanting to risk waking you up. Instead, I lie down beside you and pull the covers over us, glad that you're managing to get some much needed rest. I take you into my arms and gently kiss your cheek.

"You are _perfect_, Alexandra Cabot," I whisper, carefully brushing your hair back from your forehead. "I wish you could see that. Someday, you will see that. And I'm going to help you get there."

**Review for chapter thirty!**


	30. Chapter 30

In the middle of the night, I wake up to find your side of the bed empty. Sighing, I get up from the comfort of our warm bed and go to look for you.

I find you in the kitchen, your head on the table and your hands covering your ears. "Stop, stop, stop," you're saying, over and over again.

"Alex?"

To my horror, at the sound of my voice you start to hit your head with your hands, still saying, "Stop, stop, stop," like it's a chant. Each sickening bang of your hands on your skull makes my heart jump, and I run to you, pulling your hands away from you and setting them in your lap, holding them tightly enough that you won't be able to hurt yourself again.

I pull out a chair and sit down across from you, my heart pounding at what I've just seen you do. "Alex, what are you _doing_? What's wrong? Talk to me, baby. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"Make it go away," you whisper, trying to pull your hands out of my grasp. "Please, make it stop."

"Alex." I tighten my grip on your hands. "Alex, you're scaring me. What is it? What happened?"

You raise your head, your eyes wild and unfocussed, not seeing me, almost looking past me. "Stop it, make it stop, please, make it go away." Your eyes are puffy and red, and there are tears running down your cheeks as you vehemently shake your head as if to clear it.

"Alex, look at me. Please, baby, look at me."

Your eyes finally meet mine, more moisture leaking from your baby blues as they focus on mine. "Liv," you murmur. In your voice I detect relief, and something that sounds like shame. I feel my heart clench at the sadness in your voice.

I squeeze your hands in an attempt to comfort you. "Yeah, baby, I'm right here. It's okay."

You shake your head and drop your eyes again. "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry –"

"Alex, talk to me. What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's in my head, Liv," you say so softly that I barely hear you.

"What's in your head, baby?"

"Gunshots. Gunshots. Pointed at me, he was trying to kill me, and you – make it stop, Liv, please, I can't make it go away. It's there, it's always there, I can't get rid of it!"

I caress one of your hands with the pad of my thumb. "Baby, did you have a nightmare?"

You shake your head. "Not – not a nightmare. It – it lasted longer than that, even when I woke up, it's still there, I can't – I can't make it stop! It's like a video in my head and it's going over and over and there's no stop button and –" You trail off and take a moment to compose yourself, sitting up straighter and wiping a hand across your eyes. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm just a mess tonight. I'm sorry I scared you."

"Oh, Alex." I let go of your hands and pull you into my arms, holding you close and kissing the crown of your head. I rock you slightly in my arms and gently rub your back, doing what I can to soothe your fear. "I love you so much, baby."

You wrap your arms around my waist and cling to me, tucking your head into the crook of my neck. "I love you, too, Liv. I – I'm sorry. It's the middle of the night; you should be sleeping; I'm sorry."

"Alex, it's okay, really. I'm here for you. You can cry if you want to. You're with me. You're safe. I promise, I'll keep you safe."

You look up at me, your eyes glazing over again. "My father loved me, Olivia."

"Okay," I say hesitantly, unsure exactly where you're going with this.

"He just wanted me to be strong, like – like he was."

"You are strong, Alex. You're the strongest person I know."

"Liv, I'm falling apart. I'm not strong, not at all."

I keep rubbing circles into your back. "Alex, you've been through a lot."

"I know, but I can't _deal _with this! I used to be strong, Liv. I used to be able to deal with things. Liv, I used to put away rapists and murderers every day. I used to look the scum of the earth in the eye without blinking. And now I can't even sleep through the night. I'm not the woman you fell in love with anymore, Olivia. I'm not _Alex _anymore. Alex is dead and I don't think I'll ever be able to get her back." You drop your eyes. "I don't know who I am anymore."

I hold you tighter. "You're my love, Alex. That's who you are. You'll always be my love. And we'll always be Alex and Olivia."

You sigh. "Liv, I'm sick, and I don't think I'm ever going to get better. You don't deserve to have to deal with this, to have to take care of me all the time."

I gently stroke your hair. "Baby, it's the middle of the night. Let's not talk about it right now. Let's go back to bed. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"

You shake your head and bury your face in my shoulder.

I press a kiss to your temple and lift you to your feet. Supporting your weight is still far too easy a task, but I don't say anything. I keep one hand on the small of your back and take your hand in my other one. "Come on, baby. Just a few steps." Your body is limp in my arms, and I'm scared you're going to fall if I don't hold you up. "Sweetheart, I know you're tired, but I can't carry you."

We finally make it to the bedroom and I lay down on the bed beside you. You sigh and roll onto your side, facing away from me. I gently lift your shirt and start to trace circles onto your bare skin, hoping the touch will calm your trembling body. You're exhausted, poor baby.

"I'm sorry, Liv. You helped last night, really, you did."

"Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay. I'm here and I love you and you don't need to be afraid. You don't ever need to be afraid."

That starts the tears up again, and all I can do is hold you and rub your back and tell you over and over that I love you, hoping against hope that you'll take my words to heart.

**Review for chapter thirty-one!**


	31. Chapter 31

I wake up at nine to the sound of your quiet whimpers and immediately turn over to see what's wrong. "Baby, what is it? Did you have a bad dream?"

You shake your head. "My head hurts," you say in a tiny voice.

"Oh, baby, come here." I take you into my arms and start to massage your temples.

It's understandable that your head is hurting after the beating it took a few hours ago, but I don't say anything about that. I know you weren't trying to hurt yourself – you just wanted to clear your head. I wish you didn't have those kinds of thoughts and memories plaguing you all the time.

You're still sniffling as I knead your temples, but after a few moments, you relax in my arms. "Feeling a bit better, baby?"

You nod and curl into me. "Thank you, Liv."

I kiss your forehead. "You want me to run you a bath?"

"If you'll join me."

"Of course. I mean run both of us a bath."

"Okay."

I kiss your cheek. "Ready to get up?"

You nod and start to get up, but close your eyes and plop back down onto the bed after a moment. "Sorry, just – headache."

"Take it a bit more slowly, baby. Here." I hold my hands out to you and carefully help you to your feet. "You okay?"

You nod and let me lead you into the bathroom. You slowly sit down on the edge of the tub as I get the water running and test it to make sure the temperature is all right.

When the bath is ready, we both get undressed and sit down in the bathtub. I wrap my arms around you and you relax into me, resting your head on my shoulder. Your ribs are jutting out and I have to avert my eyes so I don't say something to you about it. You've eaten a little bit yesterday, and that's enough for now. It has to be.

I hold you close and gently stroke your hair. "Love you forever, baby," I whisper, pressing a kiss to your shoulder blade.

You sigh and take one of my hands, bringing it to your lips and ghosting a feathery kiss over it. "Love you, too, Liv."

We sit in the tub until I notice your fingers start to prune. I kiss your cheek and take your hands in mine. "Come on, baby. Time to get out."

You let me help you out of the bathtub. I wrap you up in a towel, hugging you tightly to calm your trembling body.

"Time for breakfast," I whisper in your ear, and you stiffen in my arms.

"I'm not hungry."

I give you another kiss. "You know, sweetie, if you don't start eating again soon, I'm going to have to start feeding you plumpynut."

You hit my shoulder, and I'm surprised at how weak your punch is, even though I know you weren't trying to hurt me.

"Alex, I'm serious."

"You'd have to incapacitate me first."

"Mm." I lean forward, merging our lips in a soft kiss. "I don't think that would be too difficult."

You smirk.

I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and give you a smile. "Seriously, Alex. Breakfast. I can make you an omelet, or bacon and eggs, or a smoothie, or a parfait, or just some fruit if that's better for you."

"Liv, I really don't want anything."

I brush your hair back from your forehead. "I'm going to make you a parfait. You are going to get dressed and meet me in the kitchen in ten minutes, by which time I will have prepared a breakfast fit for a princess – fit for _my _princess."

You smile slightly. "You're such a charmer." I'm surprised when you actually start for the bedroom, presumably to do what I've asked, and even more surprised when you emerge ten minutes later, fully dressed, and plop down at the kitchen table.

I set a bowl of parfait down on the table along with a glass of water and a Tylenol. "Breakfast is served, Madame."

You reach up to give me a kiss. "Thank you," you say quietly, although you eye the food wearily and don't make a move to eat any of it. Instead, you put the pill in your mouth and wash it down with a sip of water.

I sit down beside you at the table. "I was thinking tomorrow morning I'd drop you off at the elementary school before I go to work."

You don't meet my eyes, moving a strawberry around with your spoon. "Okay."

"They're fresh strawberries, Alex. I bought them yesterday. And I washed them. Twice."

You obediently take a spoonful of the parfait, and in the half an hour I sit with you at the table, you finish half the bowl. That's good enough for now, I suppose, and bring the bowl and cutlery to the sink.

"I was thinking that we'd go out for a walk today. I found a really good trail we could hike."

"I don't think so, Liv. My head still hurts."

"Wait for the Tylenol to kick in, baby. It'll take half an hour. Then we'll see how you're feeling."

You shake your head. "I'm not feeling well."

"Okay. We don't have to go out if you don't want to."

You take my hand in your icy one and squeeze it. "I just want to be with you," you say quietly.

I give you a smile. "Always."

**Review for chapter thirty-two!**


	32. Chapter 32

That night, you can't sleep again, and spend the night tossing and turning on your side of the bed. Even though you're keeping me up, I don't say anything. I know you're nervous, and your head is probably still hurting, and I don't want to say or do anything to make things worse for you.

"Baby, do you want me to hold you?" I ask, holding an arm out to you.

You shake your head and roll onto your side, turning away from me. "I'm sorry."

I pull my arm back and sigh. "Do you want me to make you some tea?"

"No, thank you."

"Do you want me to get you your Lunesta?" I say, before I remember that I got rid of the bottle.

"_No_."

"Do you want me to go sleep on the couch?"

"No. I'm sorry, Liv. I know we've got work in the morning."

"It's all right, Alex." I want so much for you to let me hold you, but I won't touch you tonight without your explicit permission.

After a few moments, you roll over so you're facing me. Even in the dark, I can see that your face is stained with tears. "Liv," you whisper.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I don't want it to be like this."

"Like what, princess?"

"I don't want to be _afraid_ all the time."

"I don't want you to be afraid, either, Alex." I pause for a moment. "How about we make a deal? When you're with me, you never have to be afraid. I promise I will always protect you and keep you safe, and I'll always be here for you no matter what. You never have to be scared when you're with me, baby."

You just sigh. "I wish it was that simple."

I offer you my hand again, and this time you take it, squeezing it tightly and sliding closer to me. You curl up against my side and bring my hand to your lips.

I drape an arm over your stomach and press a kiss to the crown of your head. "I love you so much, princess."

"I love you, too, Liv."

I hold you until morning, but by 7:00, neither of us has gotten any sleep whatsoever.

We get ready silently, showering together and getting dressed. I make you breakfast, but it sits untouched, and finally, I tell you to forget it and just come to work.

I drop you off at Woodrow Wilson Public School at 8:00 and tell you I'll be there to pick you up at 4:30. The court day finishes at 4:00 around here, so I can come get you an hour after the school day is done. Our house is a two hour walk from the elementary school, so you can't walk.

I'm not really looking forward to my day at work. It's going to be pretty boring, but moreover, I don't want to spend eight hours without you. I can call you at my lunch break, but other than that, we're not going to see each other for most of the day.

I worry about you all morning, and my worst fears are confirmed around eleven when I get a phone call. "Liv, it's me. I need you to come get me."

"What happened, baby? What's wrong?"

"I had a panic attack." You take a deep breath. "I just need you to pick me up."

"Okay, sweetie. I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

Within twenty minutes, I've arrived at the elementary school. I find you in the main office, curled up on a chair and trembling. A sweater I don't recognize is draped around your shoulders. It looks like it's at least a few sizes too large for you, and you look so desolate there that I feel my heart clench.

I hurry into the office and sit down on a chair beside you, pulling you into my arms and kissing the base of your neck.

You cling to me and bury your face in my shoulder. "It was the bell," you whisper. "It scared me – I freaked out, Liv. I scared all the kids. The principal had to stay with the class so I could calm myself down. She told me she didn't think this was going to work out and to just go home."

I sigh, hugging you tightly. "Okay, baby. We can go home now. Come on." I help you to your feet. "Whose sweater is this?"

"Oh, it's Anna's. The secretary's." You pull it off and set it down on the secretary's desk.

I take off my jacket and drape it over your shoulders as I shepherd you out to the car.

* * *

When we get home, I make you a cup of vanilla hot chocolate, but you barely touch it. You sit down on the couch, staring into space, barely even registering my presence, even when I try to take your hand or rub your back.

I sit with you for hours in silence, comforting you as best I can with my closeness, but it doesn't seem to help much. You shy away from me when I try to hold you and ignore me when I ask you if you want me to reheat your hot chocolate for you or order us a pizza.

As the sun begins its gradual descent, I can see that your eyelids are starting to droop. "Do you want to come to bed, baby?" I ask, but you don't respond. Your eyes are glazed over and I can tell you aren't really _with _me anymore.

By the time the sun has set, you've fallen fast asleep. I want so much to reach out and hold you, but I don't want to risk waking you. Instead, I go to dispose of the vanilla hot chocolate and grab you a blanket from the hall closet. I set it down on your lap and lie down on the other side of the couch, hoping that it will help when you wake up and realize I'm still here.

**Review for chapter thirty-three! **


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